Manchester United 2-0 Chelsea – Player Ratings.

Manchester United dominated Chelsea in what was a tactical masterclass from Jose Mourinho. Antonio Conte tried to emulate Mourinhos tactical genius by taking off his shite hat, which was clearly nullifying his tactical thinking. However, taking off his hat didn’t actually make a positive difference as he was still seemingly making completely retarded decisions to a level only Arsene Wenger can match. It led him down a path which ended with him bringing on Reuben Loftus Cheek to try to get a goal back and bring Chelsea back into this game. You know, Loftus-fucking-Cheek. The guy that isn’t getting many Premier League minutes for Chelsea this season because Jose Mourinho doesn’t play youth players.

conte wrecked by mou

David De Gea: 7 – With rumours of Real Madrid sniffing around David De Gea’s shit like a stray dog desperately looking for anything nutritious coming back into the media, he would have done himself no harm in retaining such interest with todays game. That wouldn’t be because he was fantastic, though. If anything, I’m not actually sure he made a save, at least not one worth remembering. At most, he caught a few shit, over hit, aimless crosses. His chances were helped by the fact that another Real Madrid ‘target’ Thibaut Courtios didn’t play, probably because he was scared that David De Gea would put him to shame, and as such, he wouldn’t get a move to Real Madrid as their second choice target when David De Gea inevitably signs a contract for life with Manchester United(I’m probably forcing myself into a world of delusion at this point). Also, he’s shit and not even comparable to De Gea in the slightest. Bring it Chelsea fans. Bring it.

Antonio Valencia: 7 – Valencia has had a very interesting journey at Manchester United. He signed in the wake of Cristiano Ronaldo fucking off to a shitter City than Manchester(the increase in sun is not valid reasoning), in a worse country than England(enjoy your financial crisis Spain). He quickly become one of the best wingers at Manchester United and in the world for a period of time, before becoming the worst winger when he took on the number 7 shit. When he realised attacking wasn’t for him, he became Manchester United’s worst right back. That was until this season, when his form has been incredible and he is without doubt the best right back at Manchester United and arguably one of the best in the Premier League (Anyone who says Bellerin can suck my dick. Kyle Walker and David Meyler’s YouTube channel would be the only acceptable comparisons). He continued that great form tonight by putting in a good defensive display and his pace was helpful on United counter attacks.

Eric Bailly: 8 – This afternoons performance from Eric Bailly was probably one of my favourite from him as a Manchester United player, and believe me, there are many good ones. Usually he’s running around like a Rhino in a pen full of cute, adorable, innocent, harmless puppies, bashing the shit out of the little fuckers that get in his way. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fucking hilarious, but today he was far more composed and intelligent, and less rash, whilst still being completely dominant. Bailly and Rojo have formed an incredible partnership in defence of late, and together they man marked Diego Costa out of the match to the point that he started throwing tantrums and playing dirty because he wasn’t getting another attention to fill the ego of the bratty little 15 year old girl inside of him. Standard.

smalling there is no need to be upset

Marcos Rojo: 8 – I’ve been a longtime critic of Marcos Rojo. I thought he was rash and injury prone in his first season, and then in his second season he was a horrific left back. Like, he was awful at defending. He was an AIDS standard of awful, you could say. However, this season after being given a chance at Centerback he has flourished. Mainly because he has had to cover for the defensive ineptitude of Chris/Mike Smalling. He has also formed a good relationship with Bailly. The highlight of today was how he bullied the shit out of Diego Costa to the point where it is actually more surprising that Costa didn’t get sent off, than the fact Manchester United actually won a game, let alone the additional fact that they won that game by more than one goal WHILST keeping a clean shit. I think there’s a top player in Rojo, and if he can continue his current form whilst cutting some of the bullshit (in the form of some unbelievably stupid tackles) out of his game, he could be a very top defender for the club.

Matteo Darmian: 6 – I don’t really want to waste too much time talking about Matteo Darmian because I think he’s shit and I hate him. He’s far from the intelligent, fearless full back that he was when Manchester United first signed him from Torino, and to be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was forced out the club in the summer. However, today, he put in a relatively solid performance. He didn’t really do anything incredible, but he didn’t do anything wrong either. Well, apart from his haircut and his shit sideburns. They’ll never be anything but wrong.

Ander Herrera: 9 – Ander Herrera, AKA the player Chelsea fans think Kante actually is was easily the man of the match today. He set up Rashfords goal with a beautiful pass before his shot cannoned into the Chelsea goal off Kante(There’s a certain irony in that). However, the real highlight of his performance today was the spectacular man-marking job he did on Eden Hazard, who is actually quite good again. Hazard was barely even in the game, other than when he threw the occasional fit because somebody touched him and he wasn’t strong enough to stay standing on his feet, the little fucking pussy. I don’t think I’ve seen a man-marking job as good as that since Ji-Sung Three Lunged Park man marked Pirlo back to the days he was a failing piece of shit that was on loan at Brescia. It was also a really nice touch for Herrera to whisper in Hazard’s ear at the end of the game, granting him freedom of his back pocket. Whilst it’s likely Hazard will try to stay in his pocket in hopes he never has to leave Manchester to play for a team that managed to get embarrassed like that, you still have to commend the act of good will from Ander Herrera. What a man. Furthermore, Herrera’s performance is even more satisfying purely because rival fans hate him. He is a bastard, but he’s our bastard, and we love him for it.

herrera v kante

That’s for you @Michaelhall1234

Marouane Fellaini: 8 – I’m not usually a fan of Fellaini constantly acting like a useless fucking half arsed oak tree cunt, but credit where it’s due, he put in a dominating performance in the heart of midfield today, similar to that of the Ents away at Isengard a few years ago. He was the physicality in midfield and every time Chelsea got the ball back, it was Fellaini who was there to elbow the Chelsea player without the referee noticing until he gave the ball back to him, which you have to say is very impressive. I cannot remember that last time he got a yellow card.

Paul Pogba: 7 – A solid performance by the man who has changed his hair more times than he has goal and assists for Manchester United. He was a little less attacking today and a little more instrumental in helping Manchester United dominate Chelsea without Michael Carrick spraying the passes. He kept possession and played some smart passes to switch the play, as well as making some key tackles and interceptions to break up Chelsea attacks. This was a step in the right direction to Pogba being the dominating midfielder Manchester United want him to be. It’s just in this game, his performance is overshadowed by that of Fellaini and Herrera.

Jesse Lingard: 8 – If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll know how much I HATE Jesse Lingard. Hate may be a strong word, but his performances anger me. However, today I cannot say I hated Jesse Lingard, and I’ll swallow my pride when I say I thought he was one of the better players on the pitch. He started next to Rashford in a front two and they had such a strong connection, only a blind, elderly, disabled person and her guide dog (which happens to be a Golden Retriever called Diego Costa is a cunt) could compete. His performance along with Rashfords is only indicative of a future Mnachester United could have without Zlatan.

cahill retard

Marcus Rashford: 8 – Rashford worked his little cock off today. Despite spannering a shot very early on well wide, he quickly redeemed himself by scoring the opening goal with a calm finish from Herrera’s pass. Rashford, along with Lingard tore Zouma, Cahill and David Luiz a new asshole. It was almost like we were attacking a makeshift defence made up from people from the Make a Wish Foundation, whose one wish was to get shafted by Marcus Rashford. The pace and energy injected into the attack showed us that things could get even better at Manchester Untied post Ibrahimovic, who keeps saying he’ll leave if Manchester United don’t qualify for the Champions League next season, despite the fact it’s probably his fault we’re not top, let alone in the top 4 due to some of his finishing. Whilst he is a quality player capable of creating something from nothing, with Ibrahimovic we’re much slower and unable to test defences as much as Rashford and Lingard could today.

Ashley Young: 7 – I don’t rate Ashley Youngs football ability at all, as evidenced by the fact he took out a few ISIS Snipers from halfway across the world with his shots that went flying well over the bar. However, his hard work and determination are to be admired. He’s happy to play anywhere and he did put in a good defensive display. Victor Moses did absolutely fuck all and then he gave Kurt Zouma one or two problems when he moved to Right Back after Fabregas came on. I still hate how he cannot grow hair anywhere on his head. This also annoyed me about Kante.

Subsitutes

Michael Carrick: 7 – Helped shore up United’s midfield to see out the game.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic: 6 – A few fancy tricks and flicks but he didn’t really have time to do anything. He looked more miserable that Rashford was the centre of attention and not him.

Timothy Fosu-Mensah: 10 – Didn’t put a foot wrong.

Substitutes Not Used:

Sergio Romero, Daley Blind, Samantha Martial, Mkhitaryan, Chelsea Legend Juan Mata, some other people.

Enjoy this photo of a sad, hat deprived content.

sad conte

 

Manchester United 1 – 2 Manchester City – Player Ratings.

lvg smiling

The first half of this game can only be described as being some 50 Shades of Grey-esque domination, whereas the second half was about as end to end as the double ended dildo Mark Clattenburgs wife uses with the Milkman and the Postman, when her shit cunt embarrassment of a husband is making a mockery of himself on live TV. I hope those divorce papers come soon.

This game had everything though, fucking hell. A first half dominated by City, a second half not dominated by City. A Kevin De Bruyne masterclass. The first bit of proof the Pep MIGHT NOT be a fraud. A multitude of missed Manchester United chances. A comedy show from Claudio Bravo to rival that of Jimmy Carr, Frankie Boyle and Jim Jefferies. A goalkeeper who should have been sent off, and Jesse Lingard, once again, being completely shit.

David De Gea: 7 – To be fair, David De Gea was one of the best players on the pitch for us, so this will probably be one of the few paragraphs that isn’t filled with pure hatred mixed with arguable casual racism (Joking, you know I’d never do that). Dave wasn’t really at fault for the goals and towards the end of the game he made a fair few saves to stop City killing off United, just to give us that little bit of hope. Not sure if that’s good or not, sometimes it’s the slowly dwindling hope that makes you descend into suicidal intentions. I’m sure we all know that feeling after three years of David Moyes and Louis Van Gaal.

Antonio Valencia: 6 – I guess Antonio Valencia is a prime example that performance enhancing drugs are only temporary, as whatever he has been on causing him to play well for the last few weeks has clearly worn off. That’s not to say he wasn’t bad, but he just wasn’t very good. There was very little intent in his play, his crossing was off and he barely pressured the Kolarov. Whilst he picked up in the second half, it was a bit too late. Hopefully this is just an off performance for a changed man, and not a relapse back to his old, shit cunt ways. If it’s the former, he can fuck off back to Wigan, I hear Will Griggs on fire and he needs putting out. Hopefully this isn’t that, and hopefully this isn’t similar to how a baby learns to walk for a few days, but then randomly forgets because it’s a baby and it’s a right dumb cunt. (If you don’t understand this analogy, read the last few player ratings, for clarity. You’ll probably be disappointed. Fuck you.)

Eric Bailly: 5 – For now, I believe it would only be fair to remove the Black Vidic tag I previously gave to Eric Bailly until he has another faultless game, because today he was far from his dominant yet endearing self. He was more like a headless chicken, which might explain why he didn’t seem to compete with the ball with Kelechi in the build-up for the first City goal. Other than that, he was generally very rash. I understand you have to be dominant and forceful when your village is being attacked by Boko Haram or whatever shit cunt is being a dickhead at the time and you’re defending it singlehandedly, but you’re not supposed to be stupid. We know Bailly is better than this, and as this is his first big BPL test, we’ll let him off, hoping he’s learned some lessons.

Daley Blind: 5 – Whilst I love Daley Blind and I do believe he is one of our most important players, he has had a really below par game today. He should have intercepted the ball off Kevin De Bruyne as he ran through for the first goal. You could say Mkhitaryan should have closed down Kolarov so the ball wasn’t played, or Bailly should have at least challenged for it, but at the end of the day, like his teammates, Blind failed to deal with the danger, and that’s disappointing. I’m sure United’s fanbase with its typically low IQ will vilify Blind, like he hasn’t been one of our most consistent players the last two seasons, but that’s just humans being an idiot for you.

Luke Shaw: 7 – Shaw was definitely one of the better players on the pitch for United today. Although towards the end of the game he was stretched by Sterling and then Sane on the counter, he generally defended very well. He made numerous interceptions and his speed was crucial on a rare Manchester United counter attack. There were one or two mishaps, but he was the best player on the pitch for United. If you see this lad on a night out in Manchester, buy him a drink and offer him your girlfriend’s vagina(Before she does, this is more about you keeping an element of control). He deserves it.

Fellaini: 6 – Whilst Fellaini has had a ‘good’ start to the season, we cannot allow that to blind us to the fact that he just isn’t good enough to be a starter for Manchester United against half decent teams. It’s one thing looking good against Bournemouth’s Harry Arter, but when you’re being dicked by Fernandinho, you know it’s probably time to take that big pay cheque in China. Fellaini was slow and immobile, and whilst he won the ball here and there and was helpful at taking long balls, it was also very easy for City to take him out of the game with some quick, intricate passing, which they did many times. This is obviously unsurprising, after all, when you’re playing football on the school field, you don’t usually expect the Oak tree everyone uses for shade on hot days to two foot you.

Pogba: 6 – You could see from todays game that Pogba has the ability to be better than any of the players on the pitch today, some of his touches were fantastic, and he was particularly helpful in launching counter attacks with his brilliant ball control. However, that aside he was overall disappointing. This is partially due to the fact that he was in a midfield two against a team that would try to dominate possession, and as such, had to do much more defending and thus, he didn’t have the free role he previously had to wreck havoc. He came a little bit more into the game at the start of the second half, when Herrera became the anchor we needed to steady the ship, but he seemed to tire and was only seen in small cameos here and there(This is probably due to all the bitches he’s been banging since joining Manchester United. I mean, if you were the most expensive player in the world, wouldn’t you windmill with your penis until everyone sleeps with you?) For an £89million man, he needs to start dominating games, but until Jose finds his best team, he might struggle to settle.

Mkhitaryan: 3 – This was arguably the worst starting debut performance I have seen since the Ottoman Empire’s inability to finish the Armenian Genocide. They would have saved us all a lot of misery today. Whilst I don’t deny Mkhitaryan is a good player, he has only showed it in substitute cameos, and you have to argue that starting against Manchester City probably wasn’t a good idea. There was the rare occasion where he broke free, or managed a dribble into space, but like everything else he did today, it was fucking dreadful. Examples of terrible things Mkhitaryan did today include, not pressing enough, passing, running, waking up, continuing to be alive when he knows his existence is futile and his ability limited, etc etc etc. Let’s hope he’s not Kagawa V2.0, because I really can’t be arsed to suffer through that shit again.

Wayne Rooney: 5 – Whilst Rooney will take the brunt of the anal annihilation the media will give United, you have to argue that he’s been taking that all of his life and right now, he really doesn’t deserve it. Yeah, he’s shagged some saggy, dusty vagina’s in his time, and he’s probably been shagged by saggy, dusty vagina’s with strap ons, but today, I will not allow him to be shagged by a saggy, dusty vagina with a strap on. Whilst Rooney was not great, as he hasn’t been for a while now, he was far from the worst player on the pitch. If anything, he actually looked a lot better when he moved to the right as it gave him more of an angle to get some crosses in. Then again, he was also replacing Mkhitaryan, who was god-fucking-awful.

Jesse Lingard: 3 – Starting Jesse Lingard today was the biggest mistake since the time Jesse Lingard’s mother refused to get an abortion. Before this the biggest mistake was when Jesse Lingard’s dad used a split condom. How do I know it’s split? Well, as Jesse Lingard is so inherently fucking useless, it’s clear the little sperm cell that was never intended to fertilise an egg clearly pushed itself through a hole in the condom. Whilst this damaged the sperm cell, it did not fail in its quest to reach the egg, so in a way, you do have to admire his tenacity. Fun fact: You can see the modern day consequences of this via the deformed, spasticated and retarded nature of Jesse Lingards head, both internally and externally.

marilyn manson

Zlatan Ibrahimovic: 5 – Whilst Zlatan won his personal feud with Claudio Bravo by scoring from the keepers mistake, he also missed a sitter soon after by tapping the ball to the defender on the line, and he fucked up many volleys and opportunities he had, before also getting in the way of Rashfords goal, causing it to be offside. This was ultimately a disappointing performance from Zlatan, but then again, it was disappointing from 9 out of the 11 players on the pitch. As soon as Rashford came on, Ibra seemed to benefit more from his pace. Hopefully we see them play together soon.

SUBSITUTES

Marcus Rashford: 8 – Rashford, after scoring a hattrick for England under 21’s probably should have been starting. After watching the first minute of his game when he was subbed on, it was clear that he definitely should have been starting, as he literally did more than Jesse Lingard in 45 seconds of game time. He injected pace and created a few chances, before Zlatan got in the way of his shot causing it to be ruled out for offside. Rashford was one of the few brightsparks in a shit team performance.

Ander Herrera: 8 – Herrera’s substitution was essential because it corrected three wrongs that Manchester United started the game with. 1) It gave us a midfield 3, allowing us to get a better hold of the game by retaining possession, and it provided more defensive cover. As good a start to the season Fellaini has had, it is far to easy to get around, the slow, lanky, immobile, shit excuse for a football player. 2) This substitution meant we could play Pogba in a more advanced position. This didn’t really count for shit as Pogba seemed knackered in the second half and didn’t have as much of an impact on the game. This is because he actually had to do the work of a three man midfield on his own in the first half. 3) It meant Mkhitaryan wasn’t on the pitch. For me, Herrera should be starting the next league game.

Anthony Martial: 6 – Seeing Martial warm up gave us all hope that we could get an equaliser. You can imagine our disappointment when he did absolutely fuck all and we lost. You can’t really blame the lad, he came on late and City were already parking the bus, we found it difficult to really get him on the ball with all the long balls to Fellaini. In all fairness, he never should have been dropped for Lingard. He’d have given United the pace and power they needed to capitalise on their limited counter attacks in the first half.

Memphis Depay is still looking for his dad.

depay and a fan

 

 

Manchester United 2-0 Southampton – Player Ratings.

Jose

Manchester United beat a team that LVG lost twice at home too, the shit thumb looking cunt. But more importantly was the debut of the most expensive messiah in the world, Paul Pogba, and he fucking dabbed it death.

David De Gea: 6 – Big Dave literally did fuck all today. The most he did was save the most tame shot from Shane Long, one of those players who scores a few goals a season and gets a few informs on FIFA, leading you to believe he’s good, where in actual fact he’s properly shite. No wonder Liverpool were linked with him. He’d fit in well with the few overpriced shithorses they still have at their club, such as Henderson, Lallana, Firmino and Moreno to name a few.

antonio valencia

Antonio Valencia: 7 – I don’t know what Jose Mourinho has done to Antonio Valencia, but I want him to do whatever action it was to me, so I actually stop half-arsing my entire life. Valencia put in another solid performance as he regularly beat men and defended well. It’s nice to see he’s still walking after only learning how to last week (If you don’t understand this reference, read the Bournemouth player ratings). Also, there are reports that he’s finally starting to speak English, which he surprisingly hasn’t learned in over a decade playing his trade in England. Then again, they don’t speak English in Wigan, they speak inbred. Also, Will Grigg is not on fire. Will Grigg is a cunt.

Eric Bailly: 8 – Bailly, AKA Black Vidic, AKA Phil Jones if he weren’t made of glass and completely retarded, AKA thankfully not Ragnar Klavan(or whoever that bloke Liverpool signed is) was top today. He defended like the hard cunt we know he is and continued to smash people into oblivion. The only time Nathan Redmonds name was mentioned was when Bailly was scraping him off the bottom of his shoe, and just a sheer stare from Bailly was another to make Shane Long shit himself and thus, play awfully. He did make the odd mistake today as he occasionally overplayed the ball, or gave away a few fouls (this is not surprising from a psychopath), but he made a lot of key defensive clearances whenever Southampton put some pressure on United. Solid performance. Here’s hoping he does a Ryan Giggs and retires from international football.

Daley Blind: 7 – Blind and Bailly have been forming a great partnership. They are a solid defensive duo, the regularly have threesomes with sluts in they pick up in Manchester to build up their partnership, whilst Chris Smalling is stood in the corner of the room chanting “we’re Manchester United, we’ll do what we want.” He’s not actually allowed to take part though. There’s no guarantee he won’t go all Jagerbomber mid-session, which would kill the mood. In regards to Blind, decent defensively, still beautiful and one of our best players. I don’t even care. Tell me I’m wrong and I’ll tell you that you’re wrong.

BLIND BEAUTY

Luke Shaw: 7 – Another solid performance as Luke Shaw’s leg starts to work again. He was up and down that left hand side all night and won the penalty that Ibrahimovic thundercunted in the net. It’s telling how much we’ve missed Shaw, and it’s also beyond fantastic that we don’t have to see Marcos Rojo do anything, except for hopefully fucking off to China. Shaw also has a more well defined haircut, and that shows he’s becoming a real man. I once met someone who lived in Southampton that knew Luke Shaw, and they can confirm he was the biggest slut on the block. Apparently he’d put his cock in anything. The more you know.

Marouane Fellaini: 8 – Jose Mourinho worked wonders with Valencia, and he’s doing it with Fellaini too. In his last two Premier League games he has played like Peak Makelele whilst also physically looking a bit like a rusty screwdriver. I’ve always liked Fellaini and I think he’s been harshly treated since he joined, when there are many other players who have played worse than him. It’s good to see him being utilised to the best of his ability now, by a manager who actually knows how to attack AND defend. Long may it continue.

pogba

Paul Pogba: 9 – Pogba started the game quietly, and it will be this 15 minutes that he will be judged on by opposition fans. However, after that period, he gradually started to show his quality and he fucking owned that midfield. He was always looking for the ball and always doing something good with it. But, most impressively and probably most importantly for United was his ability to thrive under pressure. Whenever he was pressed, he would always beat the man and make a break or get a good pass away. It was this had helped United transition from being bombarded by Southampton, to launching a fast paced attack. But somewhere, in his mums basement, a 14 year old Arsenal fan called James is trying to find reasons why Coquelin is better than Pogba. He probably also thinks Ramsey is the best midfielder in the world, and that they’ll actually sign a good centerback that isn’t Jonny Evans. Good joke. Lol.

Juan Mata: 6 – Mata had a decent game, but wasn’t as involved as you’d like. This is probably something to do with him being on the wing when he is a significantly better CAM than current Wayne Rooney. However, his input has improved on his time under LVG’s reign which nullified  all forms of creativity, even arts and crafts much to Rooney’s simplistic dismay. I can’t see Mata leaving, not for Everton. He deserves better than to be lining up alongside frauds at a small time club such as Bolasie, Barkley and Lukaku.

Wayne Rooney: 6 – Rooney’s cross for Ibrahimovic’s first goal was exceptional. However, what wasn’t exceptional was every single other second that Rooney was on the pitch. Bar his assist, he did fuck all as it was Pogba running the midfield show. You have to think that once he gets the all time top goalscorers record, the shit bastard will be dropped until he decides to go through a Valencia and Fellainiesque reformation. He would have been better spending the other 89 minutes of todays game shagging a granny, or having another shit child with his 6 out of 10 wife, or, perhaps filiming another intolerable advert that leads us to believe he will be in one of the latest cinematic releases, like his Independence Day advert. My money is on Suicide Squad, because his shit performances are driving me crazy.

pog and lin

Anthony Martial: 6 – Martial was very hot and cold, very yes and no, very in and out, and very up and down today. He often made good runs and put the Southampton defence under a lot of pressure, however, he lacked all sorts of composure, often snatching at shots when he should have waited and evaded the tackle as he did many times last year. Then again, Martial hasn’t been the same since he left Samantha Martial for Jesse Lingard, the little dabbing thundercunt. He’s not even good enough to dab.

z and p

ZLATAN: 9 – Today, Zlatan Ibrahimovic looked more tanned than one of those 16 year old sluts at school who’s vagina has seen more dicks than a sperm bank. However, he also scored two goals and looked right at home in the Premier League. The first was a cunt of a header, and the second was an even bigger cunt of a penalty. It was such a cunt of a penalty, Forster dived out of the way out of fear. I love this man so much. Trigger that yearlong extension right now.

Subs:

Ander Herrera: 6 – Came on for Martial, helped tighten up the midfield. His dick still hasn’t grown and he is yet to go through puberty. He’s probably going to go home and play Call of Duty like all 12 year old white boys do. He’ll drop the N-bomb and talk about how he shagged your mother, despite the fact he can’t even get erections. Mad banter.

Henrikh Mkhitaryan: 7 – Subbed on for Mata and showed some promise. His speed was exciting and his interplay was nice. I’d like to see him start the next game on the wing or down the center as there was some nice passing with Pogba late on.

Chris Smalling: 6 – Came on for Rooney. Offered more than Rooney on an input by minutes ratio. Still can’t start ahead of Blind or Bailley, which is some mad banter.

Memphis Depay was not on the bench today. He was probably out searching for his father.

lvg smiling

Manchester United 3 – 1 Bournemouth – Player Ratings.

lvg smiling

You know what I find incredible? How Pogba United could beat Bournemouth when their only player, Pogba was SOMEHOW suspended from the fucking game. You know the credit has got to go to Mino Raiola. Di Marzio leaked the news earlier that Raiola actually negotiated the 3-1 result in United’s favour, and what’s more, epitome of a perfect human being Ed Woodward managed to get Bournemouth to pay his agent fees, which consist of a mars bar, a small child to use as a slave(He’s called Marcus Rojo) and approximately £400billion pounds. United are ruining football.

But seriously, it was a decent game in terms of a performance standpoint. It wasn’t particularly fun, but United were strong defensively, only conceding to a rather good goal by Adam Smith, professional idiot who probably fights nightclub bouncers and part time football player, as he clearly can’t defend. United were also clinical when they needed to be, which is refreshing after three years of bullshit managers. Zlatan was Zlatan. Suck his dick.

David De Gea: 7 – Dave does many things in his life, he breaks down the backdoors of his self-obsessed psychotic bitch of a girlfriend/vagina who wishes she could be Rachel Riley(Who is without doubt, a real woman). He stands in his 18 yard box for 90 minutes, pondering the works of Plato, and which Metallica song is his favourite. But most importantly, Dave saves. He didn’t do much of that today until the very end, where he made a good save from a corner because that’s just what he does.

Antonio Valencia: 8 – Valencia’s recent rediscovered footballing ability is still unexplained. Has he just been a right lazy fuck the last few years and Mourinho has just kicked him up the arse? Is there an actual God who doesn’t desire his followers to shoot other people? Is Jose Mourinho that God? Is Jose Mourinho Dynamo the Magician? Who knows. What we do know is the last few years of Valencia have been reminiscent of teaching a child to walk. It shows a bit of paternal now and then, the little child puts together a few steps and his parents think “oh fuck me this little cunts doing it”, before said little cunt falls on his face, over and over again, more than likely self-inducing brain damage, and leaving his parents disappointed. Then, one day, three years later the little shit child actually manages to walk, and not only that, that little child is whipping in mad crosses for days. It’s hard to believe what we’re seeing. Maybe next he’ll learn to speak English. I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether I’m talking about Valencia or the child.

BLACK VIDIC: 9 – Eric Bailly so far has been United’s brightest summer signing, and that’s mainly due to the fact he’s one insanely violent fucker, but he’s really nice about it so it’s all okay. In reality, Bailly is like a Rhino simply just trying to play with his ball and he’s not going to be stopped by any little shit who gets in his way. In fact, anyone who gets in his way will probably end up rolling around in agony like many Bournemouth players did today, and Jamie ‘FRAUD’ Vardy did last week. Other objects Bailly has also defeated in 50/50s include Lions, Donald Trump, Tanks, and Racism. You wouldn’t dare be racist to Bailly, would you?

Daley Blind

Daley Blind: 8 – Blind is easily one of my favourite players at the club. It’s partially because he’s absolutely fucking gorgeous, partially because, like me, the man is clearly a genius, but mostly because he’s a great football player. Everyone says he’ll be a shit defender because he’s not fast or strong, yet he regularly uses his intelligence to ensure he’s in a situation where he doesn’t need to be physically compete with someone. He’s an incredible option, and when Smalling is back I’d love to see him dominating the midfield with Pogba and Mkhi (Obviously not all at CM, you fucking idiot).

Luke Shaw: 7 – He wasn’t overly spectacular and did have a little lapse early on when his bad touch nearly played in a Bournemouth striker, but other than that he was solid defensively, and good on the rare attack he partook in. He also didn’t break his leg so that was good. It was refreshing to see him get another 90 minutes with a solid performance, and hopefully he can pick up from where he left off last season. Maybe he’ll help bring out the best in Memphis Depay like we saw at the beginning of last season. Depay is always better when someone fast like Luke Shaw is helping him find his dad. Just means he’ll come home sooner, only for Depay to find out Wijnaldum is probably his half-brother. Just imagine how devastating that would be. To be related to that overprice cheese string.

Ander Herrera: 7 – Can you believe this man looks 27 year old? He barely looks like he’s been out of the womb for 27 minutes. However, despite being 27 minutes old, he’s had an interesting two years in the Manchester United midfield. In his first season under, wait for it and shiver with fear, LOUIS VAN GAAL, he was insanely creative and linked up nicely with the attackers, which is why he ended up getting dropped. In his second season he was just shit. Today he played a deeper role, like he was Cesc Fabregas except for he actually played it well. He made a lot of good passes as the game went on and as his confidence grew and as his balls dropped. A positive start. Perhaps next time he’ll start growing weak facial hair, the fucking child.

Marouane Fellaini: 7 – For once, Fellaini actually played like a normal football player. His passing wasn’t spectacular, but it also wasn’t providing assists for the other team. He even made a few tackles and he didn’t elbow anyone in the fact like you’d expect. So, what was so good about it? Nothing really, he played as any footballer would be expected to play. The only difference is he usually played like a retarded child, so the fact he acted like a normal human being for once is actually a good improvement.

Juan Mata: 8 – Despite the fact Mourinho, like everyone else thinks Mata is a spineless blog writing pussy, he put in a fairly decent shit today. His persistence mixed with Simon Francis’ man crush on Mata led to the first goal, which ultimately broke down a Bournemouth side which until this point, had been fairly decent defensively, and controlling of the game. He was involved in some good link up play and would often drive from deep with the ball, something we never saw under, wait for it and clench your asscheeks, LOUIS VAN GAAL because he was never allowed to roam from his position. Hopefully we don’t punish him by sending him to Everton. That would be cruel.

Wayne Rooney: 6 – There’s no reason why Rooney should be starting centrally over Mata or Mkhitaryan, other than to force him to break Bobby Charlton’s goal record before we fuck him off to China. I’m a huge Rooney fan and I know it’s always slow for him to get running, mainly because he’s fat, but I think he really does take away from the fluidity the team could have. The club would be much better served starting Rashford, who would link better with the wide players and Ibrahimovic, as opposed to a slower Rooney, who really should be playing deeper in midfield if he’s going to play at all, and we all know what Mourinho thinks of that. Probably similar to what Coleen thought when she found out 18 year old vagina monkey Wayne Rooney was shagging grans. ‘How about fuck no’.

Anthony Martial: 6 – It was hard for Martial to make an impact today. He had the odd run and was involved in the build-up player every now and then, but generally he was rather quiet. I’m not sure if that was because for a large part of the match Bournemouth were keeping possession, despite doing fuck all with it, or whether he was worried about whether Samantha Martial (Who I’m pretty sure isn’t his wife so why has this gold-digging cunt got his surname?) will win her long awaited Oscar. One thing’s for sure, she’s earned in more than Leo. Sleeping in a horses carcass is nothing until you’ve slept in Anthony Martials asshole. It’s even worse when Memphis Depay and Luke Shaw are up their searching for Depays dad.

Zlatan: 9 – ‘He’s old and past his best’. ‘He’s too slow for the Premier League.’ ‘He’s only ever been a success in Spain, Italy, France and Netherlands, and they are all shit leagues. The Premier League is the best.’ You know, I find it hilarious how many people tried to play down Zlatan Ibrahimovic. One of the deadliest strikers in the Europe in recent years, and people actually had the audacity to compare a striker coming off the back of his best ever season, with a striker like Falcao, coming off the back of the sexy nurse on the physio team at Monaco. He scored a wonder 25 yard goal that was probably a pass but it’s Zlatan so he clearly intended it to be a goal, and during the second half he started linking well with other players once we started getting the ball into his feet, instead of onto his head like he’s makeshift target man Marouane Fellaini. He sold Simon Francis back to the Championship and played some nice touches. He probably would have got an assist had Rooney buried his flick on like any striker would have. Good effort. I’m genuinely excited to see more of him. Why would we have signed him 5 years ago?

Subsitutes:

Sergio Romero: N/A – Didn’t win Copa America because he’s shit.

Marcus Rojo: N/A – Also didn’t win Copa America, only difference is that he’s shitter.

Morgan Schneiderlin: 6 – Came on for Mata. Did some defending. That’s it.

Michael Carrick: N/A – Still at the club. Not sure why. Send expert evaluation please.

Henrikh Mkhitaryan: 6 – The first Armenian to play in the Premier League, the difference an Armenian Genocide can make, eh? Too far? Fuck you.

Memphis Depay: 6 – Came on in the 88th minute. The only reason I can think of that explains why he came on so late is that he was probably looking for his dad for the majority of the game.

Marcus Rashford: N/A – Didn’t get any game time today but then again you do use games like this against shit teams to rest your best players. I’m sure throughout the season he’ll be rotated in and out. Just imagine when Zlatan gets to play with his idol, Marcus Rashford. Okay, stop imagining now, or you’ll soon enough become one of those people who wished Gary Linekar hosted Match of the Day in tighter, more revealing underwear.

Anderson with a Ferrero Rocher sellotaped to his head

Manchester United 3 – 2 Arsenal – Player Ratings

Manchester United capped off a for once, good week, after progressing in both the FA Cup and the Europa League, before inevitably beating Arsenal and adding another reason to laugh at that shit, now completely tinpot club. Arsenal lost against a team of kids, which is almost as funny as the time they lost to United with Rafael, O’Shea, Gibson and Fabio in midfield, along with other notable example such as the 2-1 with Valencia, McNair, an out of form Smalling, Tyler Blackett and Ashley Young.

JESUS LOVES DAVE SAVES

David De Gea: 8 – Finally, our lord and saviour Jesus De Gea is back from filming his part as ‘Jesus’ in AMC’s The Walking Dead, and you can see him in Episode 10 of Season 6, ‘The Next World’ starring Rick Grimes and his blind cunt of a child, Daryl who doesn’t know what a shower is, and Tyler Blackett, as a braindead clueless fucking zombie, a role he stays in character for 24/7. But back to Dave, he made a few wonderful saves to keep us in the game after some completely useless defending, and to be fair, he’s not Sergio Romero so who gives a fuck.

Guillermo Varela: 8 – Varela had a wonderful game today, and although he was rash at times, particularly for his yellow card early on in the first half, he was wonderful in attack and key in the movement of our first two goals. If he keeps this up, he’ll be the next Rafael, he’ll be injury prone for the next 7 years, he’ll have one PFA TOTS positon, before we fuck him off to Lyon in hope he’ll snap Angel Di Maria’s fucking legs. The joy.

Michael Carrick: 7 – Nobody wants to see Michael Carrick play anymore, let alone at CB, but today, he wasn’t as overly useless as he has been the entirety of this season. He didn’t really have to use his physicality as Walcott is a speedy little nonce who would get blown over by a gust of wind, and Oliver Giroud was just thinking about who he should next cheat on his wife with. He made some good blocks and his distribution from the back was helpful, but he was sometimes slow to react to situations. It’s hard to move on a Zimmer frame, but when you’re man marking Danny Welbeck, does it even matter?

daley blind and a small dog

Daley Blind: 7 – Standard Blind today, he stood around looking beautiful and played some neat passes from the back. He didn’t have much to do but wonder where Mesut Ozil was, who disappeared for large portions of the game. You can’t really blame our defence for not marking him for his goal, it’s hard to mark someone who is invisible and then just pops up out of nowhere to have a shot. Next thing you know he’ll be starring in X-Men Apocalypse as some shitty background character that nobody pays attention to because everyone is actually focussing on Michael Fassbenders massive dong.

jones close up

Marcus Rojo: 5 – This was Rojo’s first start in 3 months, and he was so shite that I’m glad he went off injured against. He was poor at marking Bambi on Ice for his goal, and gave the ball away a lot. It’s no surprise Argentina don’t win anything when Rojo with his stupid haircut is a starter for them. Left back is certainly not a positon for him, and I have no doubt he’ll be having a deep meaning existential crisis with Phil Jones on the physios table soon.

Morgan Schneiderlin: 8 – Schneiderlin is a fantastic player, but not for assisting or scoring, but for what he does defensively. He helped cover our defence for most of the game and continued his love of slide tackling everyone by slide tackling everyone. We’re certainly a much better team with him in the squad, as opposed to an overweight Schweinsteiger labouring around wondering where the nearest burger king is, or Fellaini, just being the personification of a shite oak tree.

Ander Herrera: 8 – After having his creativity nullified by LVG, Herrera finally started to play well again and capped his performance off with a wonderful goal (Forget the deflection). This prepubescent little Spaniards form has been up and down all season like the emotions of an emo teenager, happy one minute that there’s some new noise by Slipknot out, but then also sad because he just peeled the skin off his arm with a knife, because stereotype. Good performance.

lvg arrested

Jesse Lingard: 7 – I’ve been harsh on this little pinheaded fuck and the fact that his greatest talent is to do the dab, and even that’s not impressive, but he was decent today and could be a decent rotation player for United to have. He assisted Rashford in destroying the pussy with the first goal, and he made Monreal feel uncomfortable with his fairly speedy running. A decent performance, but he shows what United need on that right side, a player who can run at the defence and score and assist, we lack that speed with Mata there and although Lingard is distinctly average and raw, he is a player who can run and occasionally (rarely, but more than Mata) beat his man.

Juan Mata: 7 – Since Mata has been playing centrally he’s been a lot more involved. He’s had a poor season but of late, bar his shitty penalty miss midweek, he’s been pretty good, he’s been involved in a lot of link up play and works well with the players who have flair around him. Now that Rooney, Martial and Smalling, our best players who have got the credit since the turn of the year are out, now is his opportunity to show what he’s worth, so he can earn a move to VFL Wolfsburg when Jose Mourinho eventually ships him off in a crate, as if he’s some sort of Wildlife Crime Kingpin looking for a huge payday.

depay and dog

Memphis: 7 – For what has been an up and down season, mixed with fantastic goals and an inability to beat his first man, all whilst searching for his long lost father who is probably on a death star somewhere, he was smart and good today. He linked particularly well with Rashford and later on Januzaj, and was unfortunate to not get an assist or a goal, but he’s certainly getting more use to the Premier League, and after destroying a bunch of Midgets in midweek, he’ll hopefully continue his new found form.

lvg horny

MARCUS ‘SPREADIN LIKE A‘ RASHFORD: 10 – AFTER TWO DEBUT GOALS IN THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE, THIS LITTLE HOMIE SCORED ANOTHER TWO DEBUT GOALS IN THE PREMIER LEAGUE. MARCUS WAS EVERYWHERE TODAY LIKE A SEVERE OUTBREAK OF CHLAMYDIA THAT WOULD BE OBTAINED FROM DESTROYING A USED PUSSY SO HARD, THAT YOU PHYSICALLY SNAPPED IT IN HALF. HE ALSO ASSISTED HERRERA’S GOAL AND WAS GOOD ON THE BALL, WINNING SOME KEY FREE KICKS WITH HIS DRIBBLING ABILITY, WHICH IN TURN, LEFT HARDCORE MIDDLE AGED MANCHESTER UNITED UNDER 21/18 FANS DRIBBLING LIKE A BUNCH OF CREEPS. YAAH.

Subs

Romero: FUCK OFF – USELESS CUNT

James Weir: 6 – He’s blonde, about 6 foot tall, white and male. Do you know who this guy is? Nah, me neither.

Adnan Januzaj: 6 – Januzaj came on and linked very well with our attackers, hopefully he’ll start living up to the number on his shirt.

Timothy Fosu IMMENSAH: 8 – I’ve been waiting to see this kid make his debut for a long time, and he didn’t disappoint. He came on for a flailing Marcus Rojo and he was solid as fuck. He made one mistake but it never amounted to anything. This was a solid debut, and I’d certainly like to see him start more. He can’t be worse than Joe Riley, who is completely useless btw.

A bunch of other 12 year olds you’ve never heard of.

Ed Woodward

Everton 0 – 3 Manchester United – Player Ratings.

It’s not very often we beat Everton, in an important game, away from home. As a matter of fact they fuck us regularly, something just about as blindingly obvious as Arouna Kone running around looking like a pint of Guinness on legs. HOWEVER TODAY IS THE DAY WE WON A GAME, AND WE CAN ALL NOW START TO BELIEVE WE MIGHT WIN THE TITLE.

JESUS LOVES DAVE SAVES

David De Gea: 9 – Jesus loves, but Dave saves which has been a common theme this week as Dave saved 10 million shots against the Ukraine this week, although to be fair, most were probably cries for help in the wake of their imminent doom at the hands of Vladimir Putin and his massive fucking forehead. Dave was a bit shakey at first, obviously a bit tired after stopping a nuclear war, but ended up making some decent saves Sergio Romero never would have even got close too. Top performance, top Human Rights Activist.

Matteo Darmian: 8 – After being shafted by Alexis Sanchez worse than that dude who fucked a horse a few years ago and then had the video put on the internet, Darmian was good again today as he faced a slightly relevant Ross Barkley. However Darmian was better going forward, constantly getting past the Left Back Everton were apparently playing and putting in a cross Rooney was never going to bother to get to, but oh well. Looks like he’s back to his best.

Phil Jones: 7 – Have you ever wondered if a man made of glass can bleed? Well, now we know the answer to be yes as the highly of Phil Jones performance, was his unbelievably pale fat rolls which we all unfortunately witness as he changed his shirt because of the shit ton of fucking blood falling out of his Phil Jones like mask. But other than that, he was pretty good. He tended to avoid Lukaku who’s sheer body weight would cause Jones glass body to smash into a million pieces, which would be annoying. It’s good having another defender in defence.

Chris Smalling: 10 – Chris Smalling was about as solid as a frozen erection. He was actually so solid, he would without doubt be my first choice for my Zombie Apocalypse survival team, because he intercepts everything and anything that will tries to get to the goal. Can you imagine it? Chris Smalling the Jaeger Bomber running around competing with Zombies for headers, but then completely annhialiating their bodies because zombies are pussies? What a sight. But in the actual game, Smalling was great, he chested the ball to Schneiderlin for the first goal like a limp lesbian woman trying to chest bump a dwarf, and then he bantered of Lukaku for the rest of the game. Its fair to say, if Chris Smalling doesn’t win the Ballon d’Or, then we live in a very fucked up world, which certainly isn’t a Chris Smalling wonder world.

smalling there is no need to be upset

Marcos Rojo: 8 – Rojo was quality at Left Back today, first providing an amazing cross for Herrera’s goal, and secondly for absolutely bantering off Lukaku like the massive sack of shit that he is. Now there are a lot of rumours of Rojo leaving, and that’s clearly bullshit as this is a man who tends to miss games due to work permit issues, or the fact his passport is probably just forged because it turns out he is a descendant of Josef Goebbels, who no doubt would be turning in his grave at Rojo’s aids ridden haircut.

Morgan Schneiderlin: 9 – Schneiderlin ran the game today, and goal aside, this is probably he best performance in a United shirt. He provided what we missed against Arsenal, and that is someone who fucking tackles, breaks up the fucking play, and makes sure the opposition midfield doesn’t have any space, something Carrick and Schweinsteiger didn’t do as they are about as mobile as a terraced fucking house, covered in ivy, with a bunch of heads of their fallen victims stuck on the poles of the fence outside. Then again we can’t be sure it was all Schneiderlin closing down the space, a lot of that probably goes down to all of the unnecessary letters in his name.

Bastian Schweinsteiger: 6 – Schweinsteiger was average, quietly patrolling the midfield like a prison guard at Auschwitz patrolling the camp after the prisoners bed time. If anything, I don’t think I saw him run once, he actually runs the game by literally walking. Then again, he’s up against Gareth Barry and in all honesty, a paraplegic could run a game against Gareth Barry.

Juan Mata: 6 – Mata went off at half time after a fairly average first half, but it’s understandable. He probably went off to stand around in the changing room in homoerotic positions that make him look absolutely beautiful whilst he stands there waiting for all of the players to come in after the game, because he’s Juan Mata and he can. He’s so nice he provides everyone with free high quality wank material.

Ander Herrera: 9 – LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU START YOUR GOOD PLAYERS? You seemingly do quite well. Herrera really made it tick today, as he started in lieu of Memphis and he provided more than just running into defenders and shooting from irrational angels from irrational distances. Kids these days, huh? They can’t even do irrationally properly. But back to Herrera, he scored a header with what is probably the first time I’ve seen him use his head, because that’s apparently a thing he can do. Other than that, he was fluid, like a stream of fucking perfection.

Anthony Martial: 9 – After Van Gaal decided to be a cunt and play him on the left instead of upfront, he again proved how fucking awesome he is, with a variety of good dribbles, one of which was unfortunately blocked and deflected by Tim Howards dignity falling out of his pocket. He also was very unlucky not to score a cutback from Rooney, but he didn’t want to decrease John Stones already overinflated price tag anymore. After all, we WANT Chelsea to overpay for that massive sack of shit. Martial is my pride and joy, and if also does not win the Ballon d’Or then I don’t want to live in this world anymore, not until it is full of the lovechildren of Martial and Smalling.

Fun Fact #1 – Anthony Martial is a father at the age of 19.

Fun Fact #2 – Anthony Martial at the age of 19 is already a better Dad than Memphis Depay’s dad.

Fun Fact #3 – Anthony Martial at the age of 19, is probably Memphis Depay’s step-dad.

Fun Fact #4 – Anthony Martial doesn’t have a dad because he is the infinite, omnipotent God of classical theism.

Wayne Rooney: 7 – I had written Wayne Pooney before he scored for some shitty toilet humour, because even though his performance has improved on recent weeks, he was still the worst player on the pitch for Manchester United. But then Jesse Lingard came on and Rooney scored, so I had no choice but to change it. But seriously, Rooney wasn’t that shit today, he was like that kid in school who never partakes in the banter, but then one day he does and he comes out with the sickest par ever, before fading back into the shadows, waiting for his next calling. Hopefully he keeps up the sick pars, on a regular basis.

Subs

SOME GUY WHO IS NOT SERGIO ROMERO WOOOOOO

Memphis Depay decided to look for his dad on the bench instead of starting today, he wasn’t there. All he found was Michael Carrick sitting in an armchair, doing a cross word whilst Doris, the fellow Old Age Pension he’s currently having a little fling with, is knitting him a very nice scarf. How romantic. Memphis looks on confused and saddened, as he is unfamiliar with the concept of love. He retreats back to the changing room to roll a joint, so he can ponder whether anyone actually loves him. His father certainly doesn’t.

Blind – After last week, EYE couldn’t SEE him starting either.

Marouane Fellaini: TOP BANTER – LvG brought on Everton’s former best player to prove a point, that their former best player is pretty much our joint worst player, and that Everton are fucking wank.

Jesse Lingard: 5 – Came on and made a good defensive contribution, and then did fuck all but miss a really easy shot in the rest of the game. I think it’s fair to say that Lingard is the black Chris Eagles, which isn’t a bad thing. He’ll have a decent career in the Championship, and he’ll do well in Premier League for a season before getting injured, and then being nothing more than a good free agent to sign on Football Manager.

Andreas Pereira – Yeah, that guy who’s better than Lingard that we never play? Know who I’m on about?

Michael Carrick: 5 – Came on and saw out he game through his age ridden eyes, and yeah. Typical Carrick. I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT HIM THOUGH.

AINSLEY KINDER EGG

Arsenal 3 – 0 Manchester United – Player Ratings.

Ed Woodward

I don’t do Player Ratings often, but when I do, it’s going to involve a joke about how awful Manchester United are because they lost to Arsenal, a team managed by a man who grooms children and then sells them for a profit when they are done being his child slaves. This is some serious Joseph Kony shit.

But seriously, losing 3-0 to ARSENAL, ARSENAL. YES YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY ARSEFUCKINGNAL. Takes some doing and for that reason I’ve given practically every player a 0, and I’m probably going to say that Louis Van Gaal should follow Dick Advocaat back to Holland where he can finish his days managing VVV-Venlo to 16th place to the Dutch Eredivise. That’s about his level. Cunt. Hope he takes Rooney with him.

David De Gea: 23:59 – Jesus Loves, and Dave saves, but the sad truth of the matter is that Jesus doesn’t always love. In fact, he only ever really loved prostitutes and baptisms and that’s the same today. De Gea was probably starting to regret signing that new contract at United when he remembered what it was like to watch his defence completely collapse in front of him. Now, it’s fair there was nothing he could do about the goals, and he did just about make two saves that were right out him and the first came in the 72nd minute, but still. Pray to the totally real, not overly exaggerated or compulsive liar that is known as Jesus today, and perhaps even Dave too can find solace.

Matteo Darmian: 0 – Darmian has probably been one of our best, and most consistent players this season. He’s intelligent defending and he’s a force going forward. So it’s entirely fitting that he chose to have the worst performance of his entire life today. He just could not deal with Sanchez at all and was hauled off at half time for Antonio Valencia, I repeat, ANTONIO VALENCIA, which is literally the hardest hitting way of saying, “You were fucking shit”.

Chris Smalling: 2 – Chris Smalling was playing today like a suicide/Jager bomber that had already exploded, and had taken the rest of the defence with him to Paradise to gangbang his 72 virgins, after all, Ashley Young isn’t going to get laid on his own. This would explain why the defence was completely non-existent and just let THEO WALCOTT AND HIS SHIT LITTLE BEARD RUN RIOT FOR MOST OF THE FUCKING GAME. However I thought Smalling was one of our better players, he did launch SOME attacks, but that was practically it.

Daley Blind: 0 – It’s all well and good playing Daley Blind at CB against shit teams, he’s a smart player and can effectively cut the ball out before it gets to the striker, negating any need for physical challenge, which he would always lose. It’s even more hilarious when you have two centerbacks on your bench. Except today he didn’t do that and he was fucking awful. He couldn’t cope with the pace of Walcott and was just run ragged, as was the rest of our team. But more importantly so, and I really haven’t had a chance to stress this enough, but I don’t like his short hair. Blind is a beautiful guy, no doubt about that, but his long luscious locks were just perfect AND HE CUT THEM SHORT. My love for Blind shall only return when the length of his hair returns, and given how hair on average grows at half an inch per month, it might be a while.

Ashley Young: 0 – If you ever needed a game to remind you that Ashley Young was not a Left Back, then this was the perfect game. Also, if you ever needed a game to remind you that Ashley Young is not a good enough footballer for Manchester United, then this is also the perfect game. The only reason he’s still here is because Fellaini converted some of his bullshit crosses. Young was run ragged by a player who wasn’t even playing on the fucking right wing, and that just goes to show how useless he is, and he played a big part in most of the goals conceded. I’d much rather have a crippled Luke Shaw than a fully fit Ashley cunting Young. Also, he still can’t grow hair and I don’t know why, but it annoys me.

Michael Carrick: 0 – In what was the most banterous act of 2015, Louis Van Gaal started BOTH Carrick and Schweinsteiger in what all the smart twitter people who used to support Borussia Dortmund but now support fucking Leicester City call a “double pivot”. It’s clear that neither player is a great defender with Carrick avoiding physical contact like a 6 year old boy who is still scared of girls, and Schweinsteiger probably thinking about the war, which makes it all the more infuriating watching Schneiderlin, a player who can actually defend, sit on the bench. I like Carrick, but him and Schweinsteiger remind me of what an ineffective midield Scholes and Carrick formed a few years back, which led to us yearning for fucking Victor Wanyama to be our midfield enforcer. Those tough times have returned.

Bastian Schweinsteiger: -1945 – Schweinsteiger missed a sitter, got very angry and did absolutely no useful defending in the entire game. It’s all the more humiliating that he’s a world cup winner and Bayern Munich legend playing against a midfield of Cazorla, who isn’t a CM, and Coquelin, who isn’t even a football player. He’s had a few good games this season, but mostly he’s actually been pretty poor and slightly overweight, leading to him jogging around like a 40 stone builder who has just had a hip replacement.

Juan Mata: *Insert Relevant statistics making him look good here* – Juan Mata has amazing statistics, but his general play this season is something that is often overlooked in lieu of said statistics, so we can all believe he’s such a brilliant player. Today it was evident that he was thinking more of what he was going to write in his blog, or which YouTuber he is going to collaborate with next, rather than actually playing football, given how he was non-existent as fuck. For the record, I think he’s going to do a mens beauty video with Zoella. Seems like his cup of tea, the beautiful faced fucker.

Wayne Rooney: 0 – Although Rooney was probably our second best player today, I refuse to give him more than a 0 UNTIL HE STOPS PLAYING LIKE AN ABSOLUTE DICKHEAD FAM. I’m one of Rooney’s biggest defenders, but he is just indefensible. If his performances this season were a crime, you would struggle to find a lawyer either A) Good enough, B) Stupid Enough, or C) Willing Enough to defend him in a court of law. His passing this season has been worse than the passing on FIFA 16 and he’s both physically and intellectually slower than a Radical Feminist that is running around accusing everything a man does of somehow being rape. As a matter of fact this season he’s been so bad, I think he’s actually infringed my rights as found in Articles 3 and 14 of the European Convention of Human Rights. His performances are so bad, they are practically torture to watch, and he’s such a bad player right now, I feel he is somehow being discriminatory to the whole human race, he’s just taking the piss now. Oh, but he did get a lot better in the second half when he was on the left. HE EVEN HAD A SHOT.

Memphis: Ashley Young 2.0. – Memphis has had a mixed start to the season, but today he was almost as non-existent as his fucking father. He’s shown a lot of class at times, but he’s also shown a lot of naivety, which of course it the inconsistency you expect from such a young player in a new league, but you’d naturally just expect a little bit more, which I hope he can start to show soon, otherwise he’ll end up getting dropped for Ashley Young and lets be fair, NOBODY WANTS THAT.

ANOTHONY MARTIAL – 100 – Despite the fact all 10 players behind him were FUCKING CUNTING AWFUL, Martial was the shining star, he was unlucky not to get on the scoresheet at the end of the first half, and he had some amazing player. He was always beating defenders and creating a nuisance, in fact, he was the only player creating and just generally doing anything. He’s been a truly inspired signing, even if he had a death scare capable of literally killing someone. It’s just a shame he’s being let down by the rug munching downers that play around him.

falcao and a tiger

Subs

Marouane Fellaini: 4 – In what was the second most banterous act of 2015, tactical genius Louis Van Gaal brought on Fellaini AND Valencia at half time to what I’d imagine he thought would actually try to get us something from the game. Well, it didn’t and although Fellaini won some long balls and was a bit of a nuisance, nothing really paid off and again, we were fucking shit for another half of football. These substitutions felt more like conceding defeat, than a rallying cry to get something from the game.

Sergio “BETTER THAN DAVID DE GEA ACCORDING TO DAVID CUNTING JAMES” Romero: N/A

Antonio Valencia: 3 – Typical Valencia, rarely ran, kicked balls at defenders, BUT and credit where it’s due, he did defend a little bit less shit than what Darmian did.

James Wilson: 10 – I’m giving Wilson a 10 simply because he’s not Wayne Rooney, but when he came on he wasn’t bad. It’s fair to say his general play is more like that of Hernandez than that of a good football player, but he did have some good runs and I think if he can get a run in the team, he could do alright. He literally contributed more than Rooney did in the whole game, in his short cameo.

Paddy McNO lets only start ONE CENTERBACK – DONNED ARSENAL LAST YEAR WHY IS MAN NOT PLAYING.

CBA WITH THE REST OF THE CUNTING SUBS.

LVG: 0 – MOANS ABOUT PLAYERS BEING TIRED, BUT OPERATES WITH A SMALL SQUAD AND ONLY ROTATES CENTRAL MIDFIELDERS. GOOD ONE MATE, FUCKING TACTICAL GENIUS AS FUCK.

louis van gaal middle finger