I don’t do Player Ratings often, but when I do, it’s going to involve a joke about how awful Manchester United are because they lost to Arsenal, a team managed by a man who grooms children and then sells them for a profit when they are done being his child slaves. This is some serious Joseph Kony shit.
But seriously, losing 3-0 to ARSENAL, ARSENAL. YES YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY ARSEFUCKINGNAL. Takes some doing and for that reason I’ve given practically every player a 0, and I’m probably going to say that Louis Van Gaal should follow Dick Advocaat back to Holland where he can finish his days managing VVV-Venlo to 16th place to the Dutch Eredivise. That’s about his level. Cunt. Hope he takes Rooney with him.
David De Gea: 23:59 – Jesus Loves, and Dave saves, but the sad truth of the matter is that Jesus doesn’t always love. In fact, he only ever really loved prostitutes and baptisms and that’s the same today. De Gea was probably starting to regret signing that new contract at United when he remembered what it was like to watch his defence completely collapse in front of him. Now, it’s fair there was nothing he could do about the goals, and he did just about make two saves that were right out him and the first came in the 72nd minute, but still. Pray to the totally real, not overly exaggerated or compulsive liar that is known as Jesus today, and perhaps even Dave too can find solace.
Matteo Darmian: 0 – Darmian has probably been one of our best, and most consistent players this season. He’s intelligent defending and he’s a force going forward. So it’s entirely fitting that he chose to have the worst performance of his entire life today. He just could not deal with Sanchez at all and was hauled off at half time for Antonio Valencia, I repeat, ANTONIO VALENCIA, which is literally the hardest hitting way of saying, “You were fucking shit”.
Chris Smalling: 2 – Chris Smalling was playing today like a suicide/Jager bomber that had already exploded, and had taken the rest of the defence with him to Paradise to gangbang his 72 virgins, after all, Ashley Young isn’t going to get laid on his own. This would explain why the defence was completely non-existent and just let THEO WALCOTT AND HIS SHIT LITTLE BEARD RUN RIOT FOR MOST OF THE FUCKING GAME. However I thought Smalling was one of our better players, he did launch SOME attacks, but that was practically it.
Daley Blind: 0 – It’s all well and good playing Daley Blind at CB against shit teams, he’s a smart player and can effectively cut the ball out before it gets to the striker, negating any need for physical challenge, which he would always lose. It’s even more hilarious when you have two centerbacks on your bench. Except today he didn’t do that and he was fucking awful. He couldn’t cope with the pace of Walcott and was just run ragged, as was the rest of our team. But more importantly so, and I really haven’t had a chance to stress this enough, but I don’t like his short hair. Blind is a beautiful guy, no doubt about that, but his long luscious locks were just perfect AND HE CUT THEM SHORT. My love for Blind shall only return when the length of his hair returns, and given how hair on average grows at half an inch per month, it might be a while.
Ashley Young: 0 – If you ever needed a game to remind you that Ashley Young was not a Left Back, then this was the perfect game. Also, if you ever needed a game to remind you that Ashley Young is not a good enough footballer for Manchester United, then this is also the perfect game. The only reason he’s still here is because Fellaini converted some of his bullshit crosses. Young was run ragged by a player who wasn’t even playing on the fucking right wing, and that just goes to show how useless he is, and he played a big part in most of the goals conceded. I’d much rather have a crippled Luke Shaw than a fully fit Ashley cunting Young. Also, he still can’t grow hair and I don’t know why, but it annoys me.
Michael Carrick: 0 – In what was the most banterous act of 2015, Louis Van Gaal started BOTH Carrick and Schweinsteiger in what all the smart twitter people who used to support Borussia Dortmund but now support fucking Leicester City call a “double pivot”. It’s clear that neither player is a great defender with Carrick avoiding physical contact like a 6 year old boy who is still scared of girls, and Schweinsteiger probably thinking about the war, which makes it all the more infuriating watching Schneiderlin, a player who can actually defend, sit on the bench. I like Carrick, but him and Schweinsteiger remind me of what an ineffective midield Scholes and Carrick formed a few years back, which led to us yearning for fucking Victor Wanyama to be our midfield enforcer. Those tough times have returned.
Bastian Schweinsteiger: -1945 – Schweinsteiger missed a sitter, got very angry and did absolutely no useful defending in the entire game. It’s all the more humiliating that he’s a world cup winner and Bayern Munich legend playing against a midfield of Cazorla, who isn’t a CM, and Coquelin, who isn’t even a football player. He’s had a few good games this season, but mostly he’s actually been pretty poor and slightly overweight, leading to him jogging around like a 40 stone builder who has just had a hip replacement.
Juan Mata: *Insert Relevant statistics making him look good here* – Juan Mata has amazing statistics, but his general play this season is something that is often overlooked in lieu of said statistics, so we can all believe he’s such a brilliant player. Today it was evident that he was thinking more of what he was going to write in his blog, or which YouTuber he is going to collaborate with next, rather than actually playing football, given how he was non-existent as fuck. For the record, I think he’s going to do a mens beauty video with Zoella. Seems like his cup of tea, the beautiful faced fucker.
Wayne Rooney: 0 – Although Rooney was probably our second best player today, I refuse to give him more than a 0 UNTIL HE STOPS PLAYING LIKE AN ABSOLUTE DICKHEAD FAM. I’m one of Rooney’s biggest defenders, but he is just indefensible. If his performances this season were a crime, you would struggle to find a lawyer either A) Good enough, B) Stupid Enough, or C) Willing Enough to defend him in a court of law. His passing this season has been worse than the passing on FIFA 16 and he’s both physically and intellectually slower than a Radical Feminist that is running around accusing everything a man does of somehow being rape. As a matter of fact this season he’s been so bad, I think he’s actually infringed my rights as found in Articles 3 and 14 of the European Convention of Human Rights. His performances are so bad, they are practically torture to watch, and he’s such a bad player right now, I feel he is somehow being discriminatory to the whole human race, he’s just taking the piss now. Oh, but he did get a lot better in the second half when he was on the left. HE EVEN HAD A SHOT.
Memphis: Ashley Young 2.0. – Memphis has had a mixed start to the season, but today he was almost as non-existent as his fucking father. He’s shown a lot of class at times, but he’s also shown a lot of naivety, which of course it the inconsistency you expect from such a young player in a new league, but you’d naturally just expect a little bit more, which I hope he can start to show soon, otherwise he’ll end up getting dropped for Ashley Young and lets be fair, NOBODY WANTS THAT.
ANOTHONY MARTIAL – 100 – Despite the fact all 10 players behind him were FUCKING CUNTING AWFUL, Martial was the shining star, he was unlucky not to get on the scoresheet at the end of the first half, and he had some amazing player. He was always beating defenders and creating a nuisance, in fact, he was the only player creating and just generally doing anything. He’s been a truly inspired signing, even if he had a death scare capable of literally killing someone. It’s just a shame he’s being let down by the rug munching downers that play around him.
Marouane Fellaini: 4 – In what was the second most banterous act of 2015, tactical genius Louis Van Gaal brought on Fellaini AND Valencia at half time to what I’d imagine he thought would actually try to get us something from the game. Well, it didn’t and although Fellaini won some long balls and was a bit of a nuisance, nothing really paid off and again, we were fucking shit for another half of football. These substitutions felt more like conceding defeat, than a rallying cry to get something from the game.
Sergio “BETTER THAN DAVID DE GEA ACCORDING TO DAVID CUNTING JAMES” Romero: N/A
Antonio Valencia: 3 – Typical Valencia, rarely ran, kicked balls at defenders, BUT and credit where it’s due, he did defend a little bit less shit than what Darmian did.
James Wilson: 10 – I’m giving Wilson a 10 simply because he’s not Wayne Rooney, but when he came on he wasn’t bad. It’s fair to say his general play is more like that of Hernandez than that of a good football player, but he did have some good runs and I think if he can get a run in the team, he could do alright. He literally contributed more than Rooney did in the whole game, in his short cameo.
Paddy McNO lets only start ONE CENTERBACK – DONNED ARSENAL LAST YEAR WHY IS MAN NOT PLAYING.
CBA WITH THE REST OF THE CUNTING SUBS.
LVG: 0 – MOANS ABOUT PLAYERS BEING TIRED, BUT OPERATES WITH A SMALL SQUAD AND ONLY ROTATES CENTRAL MIDFIELDERS. GOOD ONE MATE, FUCKING TACTICAL GENIUS AS FUCK.