It’s not very often we beat Everton, in an important game, away from home. As a matter of fact they fuck us regularly, something just about as blindingly obvious as Arouna Kone running around looking like a pint of Guinness on legs. HOWEVER TODAY IS THE DAY WE WON A GAME, AND WE CAN ALL NOW START TO BELIEVE WE MIGHT WIN THE TITLE.
David De Gea: 9 – Jesus loves, but Dave saves which has been a common theme this week as Dave saved 10 million shots against the Ukraine this week, although to be fair, most were probably cries for help in the wake of their imminent doom at the hands of Vladimir Putin and his massive fucking forehead. Dave was a bit shakey at first, obviously a bit tired after stopping a nuclear war, but ended up making some decent saves Sergio Romero never would have even got close too. Top performance, top Human Rights Activist.
Matteo Darmian: 8 – After being shafted by Alexis Sanchez worse than that dude who fucked a horse a few years ago and then had the video put on the internet, Darmian was good again today as he faced a slightly relevant Ross Barkley. However Darmian was better going forward, constantly getting past the Left Back Everton were apparently playing and putting in a cross Rooney was never going to bother to get to, but oh well. Looks like he’s back to his best.
Phil Jones: 7 – Have you ever wondered if a man made of glass can bleed? Well, now we know the answer to be yes as the highly of Phil Jones performance, was his unbelievably pale fat rolls which we all unfortunately witness as he changed his shirt because of the shit ton of fucking blood falling out of his Phil Jones like mask. But other than that, he was pretty good. He tended to avoid Lukaku who’s sheer body weight would cause Jones glass body to smash into a million pieces, which would be annoying. It’s good having another defender in defence.
Chris Smalling: 10 – Chris Smalling was about as solid as a frozen erection. He was actually so solid, he would without doubt be my first choice for my Zombie Apocalypse survival team, because he intercepts everything and anything that will tries to get to the goal. Can you imagine it? Chris Smalling the Jaeger Bomber running around competing with Zombies for headers, but then completely annhialiating their bodies because zombies are pussies? What a sight. But in the actual game, Smalling was great, he chested the ball to Schneiderlin for the first goal like a limp lesbian woman trying to chest bump a dwarf, and then he bantered of Lukaku for the rest of the game. Its fair to say, if Chris Smalling doesn’t win the Ballon d’Or, then we live in a very fucked up world, which certainly isn’t a Chris Smalling wonder world.
Marcos Rojo: 8 – Rojo was quality at Left Back today, first providing an amazing cross for Herrera’s goal, and secondly for absolutely bantering off Lukaku like the massive sack of shit that he is. Now there are a lot of rumours of Rojo leaving, and that’s clearly bullshit as this is a man who tends to miss games due to work permit issues, or the fact his passport is probably just forged because it turns out he is a descendant of Josef Goebbels, who no doubt would be turning in his grave at Rojo’s aids ridden haircut.
Morgan Schneiderlin: 9 – Schneiderlin ran the game today, and goal aside, this is probably he best performance in a United shirt. He provided what we missed against Arsenal, and that is someone who fucking tackles, breaks up the fucking play, and makes sure the opposition midfield doesn’t have any space, something Carrick and Schweinsteiger didn’t do as they are about as mobile as a terraced fucking house, covered in ivy, with a bunch of heads of their fallen victims stuck on the poles of the fence outside. Then again we can’t be sure it was all Schneiderlin closing down the space, a lot of that probably goes down to all of the unnecessary letters in his name.
Bastian Schweinsteiger: 6 – Schweinsteiger was average, quietly patrolling the midfield like a prison guard at Auschwitz patrolling the camp after the prisoners bed time. If anything, I don’t think I saw him run once, he actually runs the game by literally walking. Then again, he’s up against Gareth Barry and in all honesty, a paraplegic could run a game against Gareth Barry.
Juan Mata: 6 – Mata went off at half time after a fairly average first half, but it’s understandable. He probably went off to stand around in the changing room in homoerotic positions that make him look absolutely beautiful whilst he stands there waiting for all of the players to come in after the game, because he’s Juan Mata and he can. He’s so nice he provides everyone with free high quality wank material.
Ander Herrera: 9 – LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU START YOUR GOOD PLAYERS? You seemingly do quite well. Herrera really made it tick today, as he started in lieu of Memphis and he provided more than just running into defenders and shooting from irrational angels from irrational distances. Kids these days, huh? They can’t even do irrationally properly. But back to Herrera, he scored a header with what is probably the first time I’ve seen him use his head, because that’s apparently a thing he can do. Other than that, he was fluid, like a stream of fucking perfection.
Anthony Martial: 9 – After Van Gaal decided to be a cunt and play him on the left instead of upfront, he again proved how fucking awesome he is, with a variety of good dribbles, one of which was unfortunately blocked and deflected by Tim Howards dignity falling out of his pocket. He also was very unlucky not to score a cutback from Rooney, but he didn’t want to decrease John Stones already overinflated price tag anymore. After all, we WANT Chelsea to overpay for that massive sack of shit. Martial is my pride and joy, and if also does not win the Ballon d’Or then I don’t want to live in this world anymore, not until it is full of the lovechildren of Martial and Smalling.
Fun Fact #1 – Anthony Martial is a father at the age of 19.
Fun Fact #2 – Anthony Martial at the age of 19 is already a better Dad than Memphis Depay’s dad.
Fun Fact #3 – Anthony Martial at the age of 19, is probably Memphis Depay’s step-dad.
Fun Fact #4 – Anthony Martial doesn’t have a dad because he is the infinite, omnipotent God of classical theism.
Wayne Rooney: 7 – I had written Wayne Pooney before he scored for some shitty toilet humour, because even though his performance has improved on recent weeks, he was still the worst player on the pitch for Manchester United. But then Jesse Lingard came on and Rooney scored, so I had no choice but to change it. But seriously, Rooney wasn’t that shit today, he was like that kid in school who never partakes in the banter, but then one day he does and he comes out with the sickest par ever, before fading back into the shadows, waiting for his next calling. Hopefully he keeps up the sick pars, on a regular basis.
SOME GUY WHO IS NOT SERGIO ROMERO WOOOOOO
Memphis Depay decided to look for his dad on the bench instead of starting today, he wasn’t there. All he found was Michael Carrick sitting in an armchair, doing a cross word whilst Doris, the fellow Old Age Pension he’s currently having a little fling with, is knitting him a very nice scarf. How romantic. Memphis looks on confused and saddened, as he is unfamiliar with the concept of love. He retreats back to the changing room to roll a joint, so he can ponder whether anyone actually loves him. His father certainly doesn’t.
Blind – After last week, EYE couldn’t SEE him starting either.
Marouane Fellaini: TOP BANTER – LvG brought on Everton’s former best player to prove a point, that their former best player is pretty much our joint worst player, and that Everton are fucking wank.
Jesse Lingard: 5 – Came on and made a good defensive contribution, and then did fuck all but miss a really easy shot in the rest of the game. I think it’s fair to say that Lingard is the black Chris Eagles, which isn’t a bad thing. He’ll have a decent career in the Championship, and he’ll do well in Premier League for a season before getting injured, and then being nothing more than a good free agent to sign on Football Manager.
Andreas Pereira – Yeah, that guy who’s better than Lingard that we never play? Know who I’m on about?
Michael Carrick: 5 – Came on and saw out he game through his age ridden eyes, and yeah. Typical Carrick. I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT HIM THOUGH.