Manchester United capped off a for once, good week, after progressing in both the FA Cup and the Europa League, before inevitably beating Arsenal and adding another reason to laugh at that shit, now completely tinpot club. Arsenal lost against a team of kids, which is almost as funny as the time they lost to United with Rafael, O’Shea, Gibson and Fabio in midfield, along with other notable example such as the 2-1 with Valencia, McNair, an out of form Smalling, Tyler Blackett and Ashley Young.
David De Gea: 8 – Finally, our lord and saviour Jesus De Gea is back from filming his part as ‘Jesus’ in AMC’s The Walking Dead, and you can see him in Episode 10 of Season 6, ‘The Next World’ starring Rick Grimes and his blind cunt of a child, Daryl who doesn’t know what a shower is, and Tyler Blackett, as a braindead clueless fucking zombie, a role he stays in character for 24/7. But back to Dave, he made a few wonderful saves to keep us in the game after some completely useless defending, and to be fair, he’s not Sergio Romero so who gives a fuck.
Guillermo Varela: 8 – Varela had a wonderful game today, and although he was rash at times, particularly for his yellow card early on in the first half, he was wonderful in attack and key in the movement of our first two goals. If he keeps this up, he’ll be the next Rafael, he’ll be injury prone for the next 7 years, he’ll have one PFA TOTS positon, before we fuck him off to Lyon in hope he’ll snap Angel Di Maria’s fucking legs. The joy.
Michael Carrick: 7 – Nobody wants to see Michael Carrick play anymore, let alone at CB, but today, he wasn’t as overly useless as he has been the entirety of this season. He didn’t really have to use his physicality as Walcott is a speedy little nonce who would get blown over by a gust of wind, and Oliver Giroud was just thinking about who he should next cheat on his wife with. He made some good blocks and his distribution from the back was helpful, but he was sometimes slow to react to situations. It’s hard to move on a Zimmer frame, but when you’re man marking Danny Welbeck, does it even matter?
Daley Blind: 7 – Standard Blind today, he stood around looking beautiful and played some neat passes from the back. He didn’t have much to do but wonder where Mesut Ozil was, who disappeared for large portions of the game. You can’t really blame our defence for not marking him for his goal, it’s hard to mark someone who is invisible and then just pops up out of nowhere to have a shot. Next thing you know he’ll be starring in X-Men Apocalypse as some shitty background character that nobody pays attention to because everyone is actually focussing on Michael Fassbenders massive dong.
Marcus Rojo: 5 – This was Rojo’s first start in 3 months, and he was so shite that I’m glad he went off injured against. He was poor at marking Bambi on Ice for his goal, and gave the ball away a lot. It’s no surprise Argentina don’t win anything when Rojo with his stupid haircut is a starter for them. Left back is certainly not a positon for him, and I have no doubt he’ll be having a deep meaning existential crisis with Phil Jones on the physios table soon.
Morgan Schneiderlin: 8 – Schneiderlin is a fantastic player, but not for assisting or scoring, but for what he does defensively. He helped cover our defence for most of the game and continued his love of slide tackling everyone by slide tackling everyone. We’re certainly a much better team with him in the squad, as opposed to an overweight Schweinsteiger labouring around wondering where the nearest burger king is, or Fellaini, just being the personification of a shite oak tree.
Ander Herrera: 8 – After having his creativity nullified by LVG, Herrera finally started to play well again and capped his performance off with a wonderful goal (Forget the deflection). This prepubescent little Spaniards form has been up and down all season like the emotions of an emo teenager, happy one minute that there’s some new noise by Slipknot out, but then also sad because he just peeled the skin off his arm with a knife, because stereotype. Good performance.
Jesse Lingard: 7 – I’ve been harsh on this little pinheaded fuck and the fact that his greatest talent is to do the dab, and even that’s not impressive, but he was decent today and could be a decent rotation player for United to have. He assisted Rashford in destroying the pussy with the first goal, and he made Monreal feel uncomfortable with his fairly speedy running. A decent performance, but he shows what United need on that right side, a player who can run at the defence and score and assist, we lack that speed with Mata there and although Lingard is distinctly average and raw, he is a player who can run and occasionally (rarely, but more than Mata) beat his man.
Juan Mata: 7 – Since Mata has been playing centrally he’s been a lot more involved. He’s had a poor season but of late, bar his shitty penalty miss midweek, he’s been pretty good, he’s been involved in a lot of link up play and works well with the players who have flair around him. Now that Rooney, Martial and Smalling, our best players who have got the credit since the turn of the year are out, now is his opportunity to show what he’s worth, so he can earn a move to VFL Wolfsburg when Jose Mourinho eventually ships him off in a crate, as if he’s some sort of Wildlife Crime Kingpin looking for a huge payday.
Memphis: 7 – For what has been an up and down season, mixed with fantastic goals and an inability to beat his first man, all whilst searching for his long lost father who is probably on a death star somewhere, he was smart and good today. He linked particularly well with Rashford and later on Januzaj, and was unfortunate to not get an assist or a goal, but he’s certainly getting more use to the Premier League, and after destroying a bunch of Midgets in midweek, he’ll hopefully continue his new found form.
MARCUS ‘SPREADIN LIKE A‘ RASHFORD: 10 – AFTER TWO DEBUT GOALS IN THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE, THIS LITTLE HOMIE SCORED ANOTHER TWO DEBUT GOALS IN THE PREMIER LEAGUE. MARCUS WAS EVERYWHERE TODAY LIKE A SEVERE OUTBREAK OF CHLAMYDIA THAT WOULD BE OBTAINED FROM DESTROYING A USED PUSSY SO HARD, THAT YOU PHYSICALLY SNAPPED IT IN HALF. HE ALSO ASSISTED HERRERA’S GOAL AND WAS GOOD ON THE BALL, WINNING SOME KEY FREE KICKS WITH HIS DRIBBLING ABILITY, WHICH IN TURN, LEFT HARDCORE MIDDLE AGED MANCHESTER UNITED UNDER 21/18 FANS DRIBBLING LIKE A BUNCH OF CREEPS. YAAH.
Romero: FUCK OFF – USELESS CUNT
James Weir: 6 – He’s blonde, about 6 foot tall, white and male. Do you know who this guy is? Nah, me neither.
Adnan Januzaj: 6 – Januzaj came on and linked very well with our attackers, hopefully he’ll start living up to the number on his shirt.
Timothy Fosu IMMENSAH: 8 – I’ve been waiting to see this kid make his debut for a long time, and he didn’t disappoint. He came on for a flailing Marcus Rojo and he was solid as fuck. He made one mistake but it never amounted to anything. This was a solid debut, and I’d certainly like to see him start more. He can’t be worse than Joe Riley, who is completely useless btw.
A bunch of other 12 year olds you’ve never heard of.