You know what I find incredible? How Pogba United could beat Bournemouth when their only player, Pogba was SOMEHOW suspended from the fucking game. You know the credit has got to go to Mino Raiola. Di Marzio leaked the news earlier that Raiola actually negotiated the 3-1 result in United’s favour, and what’s more, epitome of a perfect human being Ed Woodward managed to get Bournemouth to pay his agent fees, which consist of a mars bar, a small child to use as a slave(He’s called Marcus Rojo) and approximately £400billion pounds. United are ruining football.
But seriously, it was a decent game in terms of a performance standpoint. It wasn’t particularly fun, but United were strong defensively, only conceding to a rather good goal by Adam Smith, professional idiot who probably fights nightclub bouncers and part time football player, as he clearly can’t defend. United were also clinical when they needed to be, which is refreshing after three years of bullshit managers. Zlatan was Zlatan. Suck his dick.
David De Gea: 7 – Dave does many things in his life, he breaks down the backdoors of his self-obsessed psychotic bitch of a girlfriend/vagina who wishes she could be Rachel Riley(Who is without doubt, a real woman). He stands in his 18 yard box for 90 minutes, pondering the works of Plato, and which Metallica song is his favourite. But most importantly, Dave saves. He didn’t do much of that today until the very end, where he made a good save from a corner because that’s just what he does.
Antonio Valencia: 8 – Valencia’s recent rediscovered footballing ability is still unexplained. Has he just been a right lazy fuck the last few years and Mourinho has just kicked him up the arse? Is there an actual God who doesn’t desire his followers to shoot other people? Is Jose Mourinho that God? Is Jose Mourinho Dynamo the Magician? Who knows. What we do know is the last few years of Valencia have been reminiscent of teaching a child to walk. It shows a bit of paternal now and then, the little child puts together a few steps and his parents think “oh fuck me this little cunts doing it”, before said little cunt falls on his face, over and over again, more than likely self-inducing brain damage, and leaving his parents disappointed. Then, one day, three years later the little shit child actually manages to walk, and not only that, that little child is whipping in mad crosses for days. It’s hard to believe what we’re seeing. Maybe next he’ll learn to speak English. I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether I’m talking about Valencia or the child.
BLACK VIDIC: 9 – Eric Bailly so far has been United’s brightest summer signing, and that’s mainly due to the fact he’s one insanely violent fucker, but he’s really nice about it so it’s all okay. In reality, Bailly is like a Rhino simply just trying to play with his ball and he’s not going to be stopped by any little shit who gets in his way. In fact, anyone who gets in his way will probably end up rolling around in agony like many Bournemouth players did today, and Jamie ‘FRAUD’ Vardy did last week. Other objects Bailly has also defeated in 50/50s include Lions, Donald Trump, Tanks, and Racism. You wouldn’t dare be racist to Bailly, would you?
Daley Blind: 8 – Blind is easily one of my favourite players at the club. It’s partially because he’s absolutely fucking gorgeous, partially because, like me, the man is clearly a genius, but mostly because he’s a great football player. Everyone says he’ll be a shit defender because he’s not fast or strong, yet he regularly uses his intelligence to ensure he’s in a situation where he doesn’t need to be physically compete with someone. He’s an incredible option, and when Smalling is back I’d love to see him dominating the midfield with Pogba and Mkhi (Obviously not all at CM, you fucking idiot).
Luke Shaw: 7 – He wasn’t overly spectacular and did have a little lapse early on when his bad touch nearly played in a Bournemouth striker, but other than that he was solid defensively, and good on the rare attack he partook in. He also didn’t break his leg so that was good. It was refreshing to see him get another 90 minutes with a solid performance, and hopefully he can pick up from where he left off last season. Maybe he’ll help bring out the best in Memphis Depay like we saw at the beginning of last season. Depay is always better when someone fast like Luke Shaw is helping him find his dad. Just means he’ll come home sooner, only for Depay to find out Wijnaldum is probably his half-brother. Just imagine how devastating that would be. To be related to that overprice cheese string.
Ander Herrera: 7 – Can you believe this man looks 27 year old? He barely looks like he’s been out of the womb for 27 minutes. However, despite being 27 minutes old, he’s had an interesting two years in the Manchester United midfield. In his first season under, wait for it and shiver with fear, LOUIS VAN GAAL, he was insanely creative and linked up nicely with the attackers, which is why he ended up getting dropped. In his second season he was just shit. Today he played a deeper role, like he was Cesc Fabregas except for he actually played it well. He made a lot of good passes as the game went on and as his confidence grew and as his balls dropped. A positive start. Perhaps next time he’ll start growing weak facial hair, the fucking child.
Marouane Fellaini: 7 – For once, Fellaini actually played like a normal football player. His passing wasn’t spectacular, but it also wasn’t providing assists for the other team. He even made a few tackles and he didn’t elbow anyone in the fact like you’d expect. So, what was so good about it? Nothing really, he played as any footballer would be expected to play. The only difference is he usually played like a retarded child, so the fact he acted like a normal human being for once is actually a good improvement.
Juan Mata: 8 – Despite the fact Mourinho, like everyone else thinks Mata is a spineless blog writing pussy, he put in a fairly decent shit today. His persistence mixed with Simon Francis’ man crush on Mata led to the first goal, which ultimately broke down a Bournemouth side which until this point, had been fairly decent defensively, and controlling of the game. He was involved in some good link up play and would often drive from deep with the ball, something we never saw under, wait for it and clench your asscheeks, LOUIS VAN GAAL because he was never allowed to roam from his position. Hopefully we don’t punish him by sending him to Everton. That would be cruel.
Wayne Rooney: 6 – There’s no reason why Rooney should be starting centrally over Mata or Mkhitaryan, other than to force him to break Bobby Charlton’s goal record before we fuck him off to China. I’m a huge Rooney fan and I know it’s always slow for him to get running, mainly because he’s fat, but I think he really does take away from the fluidity the team could have. The club would be much better served starting Rashford, who would link better with the wide players and Ibrahimovic, as opposed to a slower Rooney, who really should be playing deeper in midfield if he’s going to play at all, and we all know what Mourinho thinks of that. Probably similar to what Coleen thought when she found out 18 year old vagina monkey Wayne Rooney was shagging grans. ‘How about fuck no’.
Anthony Martial: 6 – It was hard for Martial to make an impact today. He had the odd run and was involved in the build-up player every now and then, but generally he was rather quiet. I’m not sure if that was because for a large part of the match Bournemouth were keeping possession, despite doing fuck all with it, or whether he was worried about whether Samantha Martial (Who I’m pretty sure isn’t his wife so why has this gold-digging cunt got his surname?) will win her long awaited Oscar. One thing’s for sure, she’s earned in more than Leo. Sleeping in a horses carcass is nothing until you’ve slept in Anthony Martials asshole. It’s even worse when Memphis Depay and Luke Shaw are up their searching for Depays dad.
Zlatan: 9 – ‘He’s old and past his best’. ‘He’s too slow for the Premier League.’ ‘He’s only ever been a success in Spain, Italy, France and Netherlands, and they are all shit leagues. The Premier League is the best.’ You know, I find it hilarious how many people tried to play down Zlatan Ibrahimovic. One of the deadliest strikers in the Europe in recent years, and people actually had the audacity to compare a striker coming off the back of his best ever season, with a striker like Falcao, coming off the back of the sexy nurse on the physio team at Monaco. He scored a wonder 25 yard goal that was probably a pass but it’s Zlatan so he clearly intended it to be a goal, and during the second half he started linking well with other players once we started getting the ball into his feet, instead of onto his head like he’s makeshift target man Marouane Fellaini. He sold Simon Francis back to the Championship and played some nice touches. He probably would have got an assist had Rooney buried his flick on like any striker would have. Good effort. I’m genuinely excited to see more of him. Why would we have signed him 5 years ago?
Sergio Romero: N/A – Didn’t win Copa America because he’s shit.
Marcus Rojo: N/A – Also didn’t win Copa America, only difference is that he’s shitter.
Morgan Schneiderlin: 6 – Came on for Mata. Did some defending. That’s it.
Michael Carrick: N/A – Still at the club. Not sure why. Send expert evaluation please.
Henrikh Mkhitaryan: 6 – The first Armenian to play in the Premier League, the difference an Armenian Genocide can make, eh? Too far? Fuck you.
Memphis Depay: 6 – Came on in the 88th minute. The only reason I can think of that explains why he came on so late is that he was probably looking for his dad for the majority of the game.
Marcus Rashford: N/A – Didn’t get any game time today but then again you do use games like this against shit teams to rest your best players. I’m sure throughout the season he’ll be rotated in and out. Just imagine when Zlatan gets to play with his idol, Marcus Rashford. Okay, stop imagining now, or you’ll soon enough become one of those people who wished Gary Linekar hosted Match of the Day in tighter, more revealing underwear.