Manchester United beat a team that LVG lost twice at home too, the shit thumb looking cunt. But more importantly was the debut of the most expensive messiah in the world, Paul Pogba, and he fucking dabbed it death.
David De Gea: 6 – Big Dave literally did fuck all today. The most he did was save the most tame shot from Shane Long, one of those players who scores a few goals a season and gets a few informs on FIFA, leading you to believe he’s good, where in actual fact he’s properly shite. No wonder Liverpool were linked with him. He’d fit in well with the few overpriced shithorses they still have at their club, such as Henderson, Lallana, Firmino and Moreno to name a few.
Antonio Valencia: 7 – I don’t know what Jose Mourinho has done to Antonio Valencia, but I want him to do whatever action it was to me, so I actually stop half-arsing my entire life. Valencia put in another solid performance as he regularly beat men and defended well. It’s nice to see he’s still walking after only learning how to last week (If you don’t understand this reference, read the Bournemouth player ratings). Also, there are reports that he’s finally starting to speak English, which he surprisingly hasn’t learned in over a decade playing his trade in England. Then again, they don’t speak English in Wigan, they speak inbred. Also, Will Grigg is not on fire. Will Grigg is a cunt.
Eric Bailly: 8 – Bailly, AKA Black Vidic, AKA Phil Jones if he weren’t made of glass and completely retarded, AKA thankfully not Ragnar Klavan(or whoever that bloke Liverpool signed is) was top today. He defended like the hard cunt we know he is and continued to smash people into oblivion. The only time Nathan Redmonds name was mentioned was when Bailly was scraping him off the bottom of his shoe, and just a sheer stare from Bailly was another to make Shane Long shit himself and thus, play awfully. He did make the odd mistake today as he occasionally overplayed the ball, or gave away a few fouls (this is not surprising from a psychopath), but he made a lot of key defensive clearances whenever Southampton put some pressure on United. Solid performance. Here’s hoping he does a Ryan Giggs and retires from international football.
Daley Blind: 7 – Blind and Bailly have been forming a great partnership. They are a solid defensive duo, the regularly have threesomes with sluts in they pick up in Manchester to build up their partnership, whilst Chris Smalling is stood in the corner of the room chanting “we’re Manchester United, we’ll do what we want.” He’s not actually allowed to take part though. There’s no guarantee he won’t go all Jagerbomber mid-session, which would kill the mood. In regards to Blind, decent defensively, still beautiful and one of our best players. I don’t even care. Tell me I’m wrong and I’ll tell you that you’re wrong.
Luke Shaw: 7 – Another solid performance as Luke Shaw’s leg starts to work again. He was up and down that left hand side all night and won the penalty that Ibrahimovic thundercunted in the net. It’s telling how much we’ve missed Shaw, and it’s also beyond fantastic that we don’t have to see Marcos Rojo do anything, except for hopefully fucking off to China. Shaw also has a more well defined haircut, and that shows he’s becoming a real man. I once met someone who lived in Southampton that knew Luke Shaw, and they can confirm he was the biggest slut on the block. Apparently he’d put his cock in anything. The more you know.
Marouane Fellaini: 8 – Jose Mourinho worked wonders with Valencia, and he’s doing it with Fellaini too. In his last two Premier League games he has played like Peak Makelele whilst also physically looking a bit like a rusty screwdriver. I’ve always liked Fellaini and I think he’s been harshly treated since he joined, when there are many other players who have played worse than him. It’s good to see him being utilised to the best of his ability now, by a manager who actually knows how to attack AND defend. Long may it continue.
Paul Pogba: 9 – Pogba started the game quietly, and it will be this 15 minutes that he will be judged on by opposition fans. However, after that period, he gradually started to show his quality and he fucking owned that midfield. He was always looking for the ball and always doing something good with it. But, most impressively and probably most importantly for United was his ability to thrive under pressure. Whenever he was pressed, he would always beat the man and make a break or get a good pass away. It was this had helped United transition from being bombarded by Southampton, to launching a fast paced attack. But somewhere, in his mums basement, a 14 year old Arsenal fan called James is trying to find reasons why Coquelin is better than Pogba. He probably also thinks Ramsey is the best midfielder in the world, and that they’ll actually sign a good centerback that isn’t Jonny Evans. Good joke. Lol.
Juan Mata: 6 – Mata had a decent game, but wasn’t as involved as you’d like. This is probably something to do with him being on the wing when he is a significantly better CAM than current Wayne Rooney. However, his input has improved on his time under LVG’s reign which nullified all forms of creativity, even arts and crafts much to Rooney’s simplistic dismay. I can’t see Mata leaving, not for Everton. He deserves better than to be lining up alongside frauds at a small time club such as Bolasie, Barkley and Lukaku.
Wayne Rooney: 6 – Rooney’s cross for Ibrahimovic’s first goal was exceptional. However, what wasn’t exceptional was every single other second that Rooney was on the pitch. Bar his assist, he did fuck all as it was Pogba running the midfield show. You have to think that once he gets the all time top goalscorers record, the shit bastard will be dropped until he decides to go through a Valencia and Fellainiesque reformation. He would have been better spending the other 89 minutes of todays game shagging a granny, or having another shit child with his 6 out of 10 wife, or, perhaps filiming another intolerable advert that leads us to believe he will be in one of the latest cinematic releases, like his Independence Day advert. My money is on Suicide Squad, because his shit performances are driving me crazy.
Anthony Martial: 6 – Martial was very hot and cold, very yes and no, very in and out, and very up and down today. He often made good runs and put the Southampton defence under a lot of pressure, however, he lacked all sorts of composure, often snatching at shots when he should have waited and evaded the tackle as he did many times last year. Then again, Martial hasn’t been the same since he left Samantha Martial for Jesse Lingard, the little dabbing thundercunt. He’s not even good enough to dab.
ZLATAN: 9 – Today, Zlatan Ibrahimovic looked more tanned than one of those 16 year old sluts at school who’s vagina has seen more dicks than a sperm bank. However, he also scored two goals and looked right at home in the Premier League. The first was a cunt of a header, and the second was an even bigger cunt of a penalty. It was such a cunt of a penalty, Forster dived out of the way out of fear. I love this man so much. Trigger that yearlong extension right now.
Ander Herrera: 6 – Came on for Martial, helped tighten up the midfield. His dick still hasn’t grown and he is yet to go through puberty. He’s probably going to go home and play Call of Duty like all 12 year old white boys do. He’ll drop the N-bomb and talk about how he shagged your mother, despite the fact he can’t even get erections. Mad banter.
Henrikh Mkhitaryan: 7 – Subbed on for Mata and showed some promise. His speed was exciting and his interplay was nice. I’d like to see him start the next game on the wing or down the center as there was some nice passing with Pogba late on.
Chris Smalling: 6 – Came on for Rooney. Offered more than Rooney on an input by minutes ratio. Still can’t start ahead of Blind or Bailley, which is some mad banter.
Memphis Depay was not on the bench today. He was probably out searching for his father.