Manchester United 1 – 2 Manchester City – Player Ratings.

lvg smiling

The first half of this game can only be described as being some 50 Shades of Grey-esque domination, whereas the second half was about as end to end as the double ended dildo Mark Clattenburgs wife uses with the Milkman and the Postman, when her shit cunt embarrassment of a husband is making a mockery of himself on live TV. I hope those divorce papers come soon.

This game had everything though, fucking hell. A first half dominated by City, a second half not dominated by City. A Kevin De Bruyne masterclass. The first bit of proof the Pep MIGHT NOT be a fraud. A multitude of missed Manchester United chances. A comedy show from Claudio Bravo to rival that of Jimmy Carr, Frankie Boyle and Jim Jefferies. A goalkeeper who should have been sent off, and Jesse Lingard, once again, being completely shit.

David De Gea: 7 – To be fair, David De Gea was one of the best players on the pitch for us, so this will probably be one of the few paragraphs that isn’t filled with pure hatred mixed with arguable casual racism (Joking, you know I’d never do that). Dave wasn’t really at fault for the goals and towards the end of the game he made a fair few saves to stop City killing off United, just to give us that little bit of hope. Not sure if that’s good or not, sometimes it’s the slowly dwindling hope that makes you descend into suicidal intentions. I’m sure we all know that feeling after three years of David Moyes and Louis Van Gaal.

Antonio Valencia: 6 – I guess Antonio Valencia is a prime example that performance enhancing drugs are only temporary, as whatever he has been on causing him to play well for the last few weeks has clearly worn off. That’s not to say he wasn’t bad, but he just wasn’t very good. There was very little intent in his play, his crossing was off and he barely pressured the Kolarov. Whilst he picked up in the second half, it was a bit too late. Hopefully this is just an off performance for a changed man, and not a relapse back to his old, shit cunt ways. If it’s the former, he can fuck off back to Wigan, I hear Will Griggs on fire and he needs putting out. Hopefully this isn’t that, and hopefully this isn’t similar to how a baby learns to walk for a few days, but then randomly forgets because it’s a baby and it’s a right dumb cunt. (If you don’t understand this analogy, read the last few player ratings, for clarity. You’ll probably be disappointed. Fuck you.)

Eric Bailly: 5 – For now, I believe it would only be fair to remove the Black Vidic tag I previously gave to Eric Bailly until he has another faultless game, because today he was far from his dominant yet endearing self. He was more like a headless chicken, which might explain why he didn’t seem to compete with the ball with Kelechi in the build-up for the first City goal. Other than that, he was generally very rash. I understand you have to be dominant and forceful when your village is being attacked by Boko Haram or whatever shit cunt is being a dickhead at the time and you’re defending it singlehandedly, but you’re not supposed to be stupid. We know Bailly is better than this, and as this is his first big BPL test, we’ll let him off, hoping he’s learned some lessons.

Daley Blind: 5 – Whilst I love Daley Blind and I do believe he is one of our most important players, he has had a really below par game today. He should have intercepted the ball off Kevin De Bruyne as he ran through for the first goal. You could say Mkhitaryan should have closed down Kolarov so the ball wasn’t played, or Bailly should have at least challenged for it, but at the end of the day, like his teammates, Blind failed to deal with the danger, and that’s disappointing. I’m sure United’s fanbase with its typically low IQ will vilify Blind, like he hasn’t been one of our most consistent players the last two seasons, but that’s just humans being an idiot for you.

Luke Shaw: 7 – Shaw was definitely one of the better players on the pitch for United today. Although towards the end of the game he was stretched by Sterling and then Sane on the counter, he generally defended very well. He made numerous interceptions and his speed was crucial on a rare Manchester United counter attack. There were one or two mishaps, but he was the best player on the pitch for United. If you see this lad on a night out in Manchester, buy him a drink and offer him your girlfriend’s vagina(Before she does, this is more about you keeping an element of control). He deserves it.

Fellaini: 6 – Whilst Fellaini has had a ‘good’ start to the season, we cannot allow that to blind us to the fact that he just isn’t good enough to be a starter for Manchester United against half decent teams. It’s one thing looking good against Bournemouth’s Harry Arter, but when you’re being dicked by Fernandinho, you know it’s probably time to take that big pay cheque in China. Fellaini was slow and immobile, and whilst he won the ball here and there and was helpful at taking long balls, it was also very easy for City to take him out of the game with some quick, intricate passing, which they did many times. This is obviously unsurprising, after all, when you’re playing football on the school field, you don’t usually expect the Oak tree everyone uses for shade on hot days to two foot you.

Pogba: 6 – You could see from todays game that Pogba has the ability to be better than any of the players on the pitch today, some of his touches were fantastic, and he was particularly helpful in launching counter attacks with his brilliant ball control. However, that aside he was overall disappointing. This is partially due to the fact that he was in a midfield two against a team that would try to dominate possession, and as such, had to do much more defending and thus, he didn’t have the free role he previously had to wreck havoc. He came a little bit more into the game at the start of the second half, when Herrera became the anchor we needed to steady the ship, but he seemed to tire and was only seen in small cameos here and there(This is probably due to all the bitches he’s been banging since joining Manchester United. I mean, if you were the most expensive player in the world, wouldn’t you windmill with your penis until everyone sleeps with you?) For an £89million man, he needs to start dominating games, but until Jose finds his best team, he might struggle to settle.

Mkhitaryan: 3 – This was arguably the worst starting debut performance I have seen since the Ottoman Empire’s inability to finish the Armenian Genocide. They would have saved us all a lot of misery today. Whilst I don’t deny Mkhitaryan is a good player, he has only showed it in substitute cameos, and you have to argue that starting against Manchester City probably wasn’t a good idea. There was the rare occasion where he broke free, or managed a dribble into space, but like everything else he did today, it was fucking dreadful. Examples of terrible things Mkhitaryan did today include, not pressing enough, passing, running, waking up, continuing to be alive when he knows his existence is futile and his ability limited, etc etc etc. Let’s hope he’s not Kagawa V2.0, because I really can’t be arsed to suffer through that shit again.

Wayne Rooney: 5 – Whilst Rooney will take the brunt of the anal annihilation the media will give United, you have to argue that he’s been taking that all of his life and right now, he really doesn’t deserve it. Yeah, he’s shagged some saggy, dusty vagina’s in his time, and he’s probably been shagged by saggy, dusty vagina’s with strap ons, but today, I will not allow him to be shagged by a saggy, dusty vagina with a strap on. Whilst Rooney was not great, as he hasn’t been for a while now, he was far from the worst player on the pitch. If anything, he actually looked a lot better when he moved to the right as it gave him more of an angle to get some crosses in. Then again, he was also replacing Mkhitaryan, who was god-fucking-awful.

Jesse Lingard: 3 – Starting Jesse Lingard today was the biggest mistake since the time Jesse Lingard’s mother refused to get an abortion. Before this the biggest mistake was when Jesse Lingard’s dad used a split condom. How do I know it’s split? Well, as Jesse Lingard is so inherently fucking useless, it’s clear the little sperm cell that was never intended to fertilise an egg clearly pushed itself through a hole in the condom. Whilst this damaged the sperm cell, it did not fail in its quest to reach the egg, so in a way, you do have to admire his tenacity. Fun fact: You can see the modern day consequences of this via the deformed, spasticated and retarded nature of Jesse Lingards head, both internally and externally.

marilyn manson

Zlatan Ibrahimovic: 5 – Whilst Zlatan won his personal feud with Claudio Bravo by scoring from the keepers mistake, he also missed a sitter soon after by tapping the ball to the defender on the line, and he fucked up many volleys and opportunities he had, before also getting in the way of Rashfords goal, causing it to be offside. This was ultimately a disappointing performance from Zlatan, but then again, it was disappointing from 9 out of the 11 players on the pitch. As soon as Rashford came on, Ibra seemed to benefit more from his pace. Hopefully we see them play together soon.

SUBSITUTES

Marcus Rashford: 8 – Rashford, after scoring a hattrick for England under 21’s probably should have been starting. After watching the first minute of his game when he was subbed on, it was clear that he definitely should have been starting, as he literally did more than Jesse Lingard in 45 seconds of game time. He injected pace and created a few chances, before Zlatan got in the way of his shot causing it to be ruled out for offside. Rashford was one of the few brightsparks in a shit team performance.

Ander Herrera: 8 – Herrera’s substitution was essential because it corrected three wrongs that Manchester United started the game with. 1) It gave us a midfield 3, allowing us to get a better hold of the game by retaining possession, and it provided more defensive cover. As good a start to the season Fellaini has had, it is far to easy to get around, the slow, lanky, immobile, shit excuse for a football player. 2) This substitution meant we could play Pogba in a more advanced position. This didn’t really count for shit as Pogba seemed knackered in the second half and didn’t have as much of an impact on the game. This is because he actually had to do the work of a three man midfield on his own in the first half. 3) It meant Mkhitaryan wasn’t on the pitch. For me, Herrera should be starting the next league game.

Anthony Martial: 6 – Seeing Martial warm up gave us all hope that we could get an equaliser. You can imagine our disappointment when he did absolutely fuck all and we lost. You can’t really blame the lad, he came on late and City were already parking the bus, we found it difficult to really get him on the ball with all the long balls to Fellaini. In all fairness, he never should have been dropped for Lingard. He’d have given United the pace and power they needed to capitalise on their limited counter attacks in the first half.

Memphis Depay is still looking for his dad.

depay and a fan

 

 

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