Manchester United dominated Chelsea in what was a tactical masterclass from Jose Mourinho. Antonio Conte tried to emulate Mourinhos tactical genius by taking off his shite hat, which was clearly nullifying his tactical thinking. However, taking off his hat didn’t actually make a positive difference as he was still seemingly making completely retarded decisions to a level only Arsene Wenger can match. It led him down a path which ended with him bringing on Reuben Loftus Cheek to try to get a goal back and bring Chelsea back into this game. You know, Loftus-fucking-Cheek. The guy that isn’t getting many Premier League minutes for Chelsea this season because Jose Mourinho doesn’t play youth players.
David De Gea: 7 – With rumours of Real Madrid sniffing around David De Gea’s shit like a stray dog desperately looking for anything nutritious coming back into the media, he would have done himself no harm in retaining such interest with todays game. That wouldn’t be because he was fantastic, though. If anything, I’m not actually sure he made a save, at least not one worth remembering. At most, he caught a few shit, over hit, aimless crosses. His chances were helped by the fact that another Real Madrid ‘target’ Thibaut Courtios didn’t play, probably because he was scared that David De Gea would put him to shame, and as such, he wouldn’t get a move to Real Madrid as their second choice target when David De Gea inevitably signs a contract for life with Manchester United(I’m probably forcing myself into a world of delusion at this point). Also, he’s shit and not even comparable to De Gea in the slightest. Bring it Chelsea fans. Bring it.
Antonio Valencia: 7 – Valencia has had a very interesting journey at Manchester United. He signed in the wake of Cristiano Ronaldo fucking off to a shitter City than Manchester(the increase in sun is not valid reasoning), in a worse country than England(enjoy your financial crisis Spain). He quickly become one of the best wingers at Manchester United and in the world for a period of time, before becoming the worst winger when he took on the number 7 shit. When he realised attacking wasn’t for him, he became Manchester United’s worst right back. That was until this season, when his form has been incredible and he is without doubt the best right back at Manchester United and arguably one of the best in the Premier League (Anyone who says Bellerin can suck my dick. Kyle Walker and David Meyler’s YouTube channel would be the only acceptable comparisons). He continued that great form tonight by putting in a good defensive display and his pace was helpful on United counter attacks.
Eric Bailly: 8 – This afternoons performance from Eric Bailly was probably one of my favourite from him as a Manchester United player, and believe me, there are many good ones. Usually he’s running around like a Rhino in a pen full of cute, adorable, innocent, harmless puppies, bashing the shit out of the little fuckers that get in his way. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fucking hilarious, but today he was far more composed and intelligent, and less rash, whilst still being completely dominant. Bailly and Rojo have formed an incredible partnership in defence of late, and together they man marked Diego Costa out of the match to the point that he started throwing tantrums and playing dirty because he wasn’t getting another attention to fill the ego of the bratty little 15 year old girl inside of him. Standard.
Marcos Rojo: 8 – I’ve been a longtime critic of Marcos Rojo. I thought he was rash and injury prone in his first season, and then in his second season he was a horrific left back. Like, he was awful at defending. He was an AIDS standard of awful, you could say. However, this season after being given a chance at Centerback he has flourished. Mainly because he has had to cover for the defensive ineptitude of Chris/Mike Smalling. He has also formed a good relationship with Bailly. The highlight of today was how he bullied the shit out of Diego Costa to the point where it is actually more surprising that Costa didn’t get sent off, than the fact Manchester United actually won a game, let alone the additional fact that they won that game by more than one goal WHILST keeping a clean shit. I think there’s a top player in Rojo, and if he can continue his current form whilst cutting some of the bullshit (in the form of some unbelievably stupid tackles) out of his game, he could be a very top defender for the club.
Matteo Darmian: 6 – I don’t really want to waste too much time talking about Matteo Darmian because I think he’s shit and I hate him. He’s far from the intelligent, fearless full back that he was when Manchester United first signed him from Torino, and to be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was forced out the club in the summer. However, today, he put in a relatively solid performance. He didn’t really do anything incredible, but he didn’t do anything wrong either. Well, apart from his haircut and his shit sideburns. They’ll never be anything but wrong.
Ander Herrera: 9 – Ander Herrera, AKA the player Chelsea fans think Kante actually is was easily the man of the match today. He set up Rashfords goal with a beautiful pass before his shot cannoned into the Chelsea goal off Kante(There’s a certain irony in that). However, the real highlight of his performance today was the spectacular man-marking job he did on Eden Hazard, who is actually quite good again. Hazard was barely even in the game, other than when he threw the occasional fit because somebody touched him and he wasn’t strong enough to stay standing on his feet, the little fucking pussy. I don’t think I’ve seen a man-marking job as good as that since Ji-Sung Three Lunged Park man marked Pirlo back to the days he was a failing piece of shit that was on loan at Brescia. It was also a really nice touch for Herrera to whisper in Hazard’s ear at the end of the game, granting him freedom of his back pocket. Whilst it’s likely Hazard will try to stay in his pocket in hopes he never has to leave Manchester to play for a team that managed to get embarrassed like that, you still have to commend the act of good will from Ander Herrera. What a man. Furthermore, Herrera’s performance is even more satisfying purely because rival fans hate him. He is a bastard, but he’s our bastard, and we love him for it.
That’s for you @Michaelhall1234
Marouane Fellaini: 8 – I’m not usually a fan of Fellaini constantly acting like a useless fucking half arsed oak tree cunt, but credit where it’s due, he put in a dominating performance in the heart of midfield today, similar to that of the Ents away at Isengard a few years ago. He was the physicality in midfield and every time Chelsea got the ball back, it was Fellaini who was there to elbow the Chelsea player without the referee noticing until he gave the ball back to him, which you have to say is very impressive. I cannot remember that last time he got a yellow card.
Paul Pogba: 7 – A solid performance by the man who has changed his hair more times than he has goal and assists for Manchester United. He was a little less attacking today and a little more instrumental in helping Manchester United dominate Chelsea without Michael Carrick spraying the passes. He kept possession and played some smart passes to switch the play, as well as making some key tackles and interceptions to break up Chelsea attacks. This was a step in the right direction to Pogba being the dominating midfielder Manchester United want him to be. It’s just in this game, his performance is overshadowed by that of Fellaini and Herrera.
Jesse Lingard: 8 – If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll know how much I HATE Jesse Lingard. Hate may be a strong word, but his performances anger me. However, today I cannot say I hated Jesse Lingard, and I’ll swallow my pride when I say I thought he was one of the better players on the pitch. He started next to Rashford in a front two and they had such a strong connection, only a blind, elderly, disabled person and her guide dog (which happens to be a Golden Retriever called Diego Costa is a cunt) could compete. His performance along with Rashfords is only indicative of a future Mnachester United could have without Zlatan.
Marcus Rashford: 8 – Rashford worked his little cock off today. Despite spannering a shot very early on well wide, he quickly redeemed himself by scoring the opening goal with a calm finish from Herrera’s pass. Rashford, along with Lingard tore Zouma, Cahill and David Luiz a new asshole. It was almost like we were attacking a makeshift defence made up from people from the Make a Wish Foundation, whose one wish was to get shafted by Marcus Rashford. The pace and energy injected into the attack showed us that things could get even better at Manchester Untied post Ibrahimovic, who keeps saying he’ll leave if Manchester United don’t qualify for the Champions League next season, despite the fact it’s probably his fault we’re not top, let alone in the top 4 due to some of his finishing. Whilst he is a quality player capable of creating something from nothing, with Ibrahimovic we’re much slower and unable to test defences as much as Rashford and Lingard could today.
Ashley Young: 7 – I don’t rate Ashley Youngs football ability at all, as evidenced by the fact he took out a few ISIS Snipers from halfway across the world with his shots that went flying well over the bar. However, his hard work and determination are to be admired. He’s happy to play anywhere and he did put in a good defensive display. Victor Moses did absolutely fuck all and then he gave Kurt Zouma one or two problems when he moved to Right Back after Fabregas came on. I still hate how he cannot grow hair anywhere on his head. This also annoyed me about Kante.
Michael Carrick: 7 – Helped shore up United’s midfield to see out the game.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic: 6 – A few fancy tricks and flicks but he didn’t really have time to do anything. He looked more miserable that Rashford was the centre of attention and not him.
Timothy Fosu-Mensah: 10 – Didn’t put a foot wrong.
Substitutes Not Used:
Sergio Romero, Daley Blind, Samantha Martial, Mkhitaryan, Chelsea Legend Juan Mata, some other people.
Enjoy this photo of a sad, hat deprived content.
Manchester United capped off a for once, good week, after progressing in both the FA Cup and the Europa League, before inevitably beating Arsenal and adding another reason to laugh at that shit, now completely tinpot club. Arsenal lost against a team of kids, which is almost as funny as the time they lost to United with Rafael, O’Shea, Gibson and Fabio in midfield, along with other notable example such as the 2-1 with Valencia, McNair, an out of form Smalling, Tyler Blackett and Ashley Young.
David De Gea: 8 – Finally, our lord and saviour Jesus De Gea is back from filming his part as ‘Jesus’ in AMC’s The Walking Dead, and you can see him in Episode 10 of Season 6, ‘The Next World’ starring Rick Grimes and his blind cunt of a child, Daryl who doesn’t know what a shower is, and Tyler Blackett, as a braindead clueless fucking zombie, a role he stays in character for 24/7. But back to Dave, he made a few wonderful saves to keep us in the game after some completely useless defending, and to be fair, he’s not Sergio Romero so who gives a fuck.
Guillermo Varela: 8 – Varela had a wonderful game today, and although he was rash at times, particularly for his yellow card early on in the first half, he was wonderful in attack and key in the movement of our first two goals. If he keeps this up, he’ll be the next Rafael, he’ll be injury prone for the next 7 years, he’ll have one PFA TOTS positon, before we fuck him off to Lyon in hope he’ll snap Angel Di Maria’s fucking legs. The joy.
Michael Carrick: 7 – Nobody wants to see Michael Carrick play anymore, let alone at CB, but today, he wasn’t as overly useless as he has been the entirety of this season. He didn’t really have to use his physicality as Walcott is a speedy little nonce who would get blown over by a gust of wind, and Oliver Giroud was just thinking about who he should next cheat on his wife with. He made some good blocks and his distribution from the back was helpful, but he was sometimes slow to react to situations. It’s hard to move on a Zimmer frame, but when you’re man marking Danny Welbeck, does it even matter?
Daley Blind: 7 – Standard Blind today, he stood around looking beautiful and played some neat passes from the back. He didn’t have much to do but wonder where Mesut Ozil was, who disappeared for large portions of the game. You can’t really blame our defence for not marking him for his goal, it’s hard to mark someone who is invisible and then just pops up out of nowhere to have a shot. Next thing you know he’ll be starring in X-Men Apocalypse as some shitty background character that nobody pays attention to because everyone is actually focussing on Michael Fassbenders massive dong.
Marcus Rojo: 5 – This was Rojo’s first start in 3 months, and he was so shite that I’m glad he went off injured against. He was poor at marking Bambi on Ice for his goal, and gave the ball away a lot. It’s no surprise Argentina don’t win anything when Rojo with his stupid haircut is a starter for them. Left back is certainly not a positon for him, and I have no doubt he’ll be having a deep meaning existential crisis with Phil Jones on the physios table soon.
Morgan Schneiderlin: 8 – Schneiderlin is a fantastic player, but not for assisting or scoring, but for what he does defensively. He helped cover our defence for most of the game and continued his love of slide tackling everyone by slide tackling everyone. We’re certainly a much better team with him in the squad, as opposed to an overweight Schweinsteiger labouring around wondering where the nearest burger king is, or Fellaini, just being the personification of a shite oak tree.
Ander Herrera: 8 – After having his creativity nullified by LVG, Herrera finally started to play well again and capped his performance off with a wonderful goal (Forget the deflection). This prepubescent little Spaniards form has been up and down all season like the emotions of an emo teenager, happy one minute that there’s some new noise by Slipknot out, but then also sad because he just peeled the skin off his arm with a knife, because stereotype. Good performance.
Jesse Lingard: 7 – I’ve been harsh on this little pinheaded fuck and the fact that his greatest talent is to do the dab, and even that’s not impressive, but he was decent today and could be a decent rotation player for United to have. He assisted Rashford in destroying the pussy with the first goal, and he made Monreal feel uncomfortable with his fairly speedy running. A decent performance, but he shows what United need on that right side, a player who can run at the defence and score and assist, we lack that speed with Mata there and although Lingard is distinctly average and raw, he is a player who can run and occasionally (rarely, but more than Mata) beat his man.
Juan Mata: 7 – Since Mata has been playing centrally he’s been a lot more involved. He’s had a poor season but of late, bar his shitty penalty miss midweek, he’s been pretty good, he’s been involved in a lot of link up play and works well with the players who have flair around him. Now that Rooney, Martial and Smalling, our best players who have got the credit since the turn of the year are out, now is his opportunity to show what he’s worth, so he can earn a move to VFL Wolfsburg when Jose Mourinho eventually ships him off in a crate, as if he’s some sort of Wildlife Crime Kingpin looking for a huge payday.
Memphis: 7 – For what has been an up and down season, mixed with fantastic goals and an inability to beat his first man, all whilst searching for his long lost father who is probably on a death star somewhere, he was smart and good today. He linked particularly well with Rashford and later on Januzaj, and was unfortunate to not get an assist or a goal, but he’s certainly getting more use to the Premier League, and after destroying a bunch of Midgets in midweek, he’ll hopefully continue his new found form.
MARCUS ‘SPREADIN LIKE A‘ RASHFORD: 10 – AFTER TWO DEBUT GOALS IN THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE, THIS LITTLE HOMIE SCORED ANOTHER TWO DEBUT GOALS IN THE PREMIER LEAGUE. MARCUS WAS EVERYWHERE TODAY LIKE A SEVERE OUTBREAK OF CHLAMYDIA THAT WOULD BE OBTAINED FROM DESTROYING A USED PUSSY SO HARD, THAT YOU PHYSICALLY SNAPPED IT IN HALF. HE ALSO ASSISTED HERRERA’S GOAL AND WAS GOOD ON THE BALL, WINNING SOME KEY FREE KICKS WITH HIS DRIBBLING ABILITY, WHICH IN TURN, LEFT HARDCORE MIDDLE AGED MANCHESTER UNITED UNDER 21/18 FANS DRIBBLING LIKE A BUNCH OF CREEPS. YAAH.
Romero: FUCK OFF – USELESS CUNT
James Weir: 6 – He’s blonde, about 6 foot tall, white and male. Do you know who this guy is? Nah, me neither.
Adnan Januzaj: 6 – Januzaj came on and linked very well with our attackers, hopefully he’ll start living up to the number on his shirt.
Timothy Fosu IMMENSAH: 8 – I’ve been waiting to see this kid make his debut for a long time, and he didn’t disappoint. He came on for a flailing Marcus Rojo and he was solid as fuck. He made one mistake but it never amounted to anything. This was a solid debut, and I’d certainly like to see him start more. He can’t be worse than Joe Riley, who is completely useless btw.
A bunch of other 12 year olds you’ve never heard of.
So tactical genius and top thumb impersonator Louis Van Gaal lost with a team consisting of Rooney, Van Persie and Di Maria, at home to a fat ginger who looks like the lovechild of Herman Goering, the Nazi who founded the Gestapo in 1933, and a bottle of fucking Fanta. In a game of only two shots on target, and neither of them being from Manchester United, we witnessed a team only good at defending, beat a team only good at attacking, by one actual meaningful fucking attack. As a result, Tadic somehow managed to get the ball after it rebounded of the post, UNFUCKINGCHALLENGED, and could pass the ball into the back of the net with NO FUCKING BLOCKS. What a time to be alive.
David De Gea: 100 – I seriously don’t think David De Gea made a save all match, but I’m giving him a rating of 100 for two reasons. The first would be out of sympathy of having to watch his defence act like a bunch of kids with Spina Bifida try to chase a fucking butterfly across a fucking motorway, and at times when I watch them defend I wish they would actually do that, furthermore I wish they’d get hit by a lorry too. The second reason I give David De Gea a rating out of 100 is because you never know, he might read these match ratings and believe I am the voice of reason and truth and that his defenders really are a bunch of fucking idiots. He might be touched by the rating of 100 and decide to stay at United, instead of leaving to win titles and Champions League’s at Real Madrid. Please David, SIGN THE NEW CONTRACT. DON’T LEAVE US WITH BEN FUCKING AMOS AGAIN.
Antonio Valencia: 5 – You know when Antonio Valencia is one of your best performing players that you’re seriously playing shit, like fucking contracting AIDS shit. As a matter of fact his crossing was particularly shit, but that’s hardly unsurprising, but his defending was as bad as everybody else and he put somewhat of a decent shift in, particularly going at Bertrand a few times. You have to think what could have been if he was as good at football as he was modelling in pictures which are the closest thing to depicting a rape without actually showing it, then he’d be fucking brilliant. (SEE THE ABOVE PHOTO)
Phil Jones: 5 – I give Phil Jones a slightly higher rating than Smalling and Blackenbauer as he was slightly less retarded than these two cunts. His defending wasn’t particularly bad and he wasn’t really at fault for the goal, and if anything I feel people have really given him a lot of unnecessary stick in recent weeks, but then again, you’re all Manchester United fans and the majority of you act like you’re a spoilt 16 year old slag who thinks she’s Daddys’ little princesss and therefore doesn’t have to do anything to earn happiness, which is quite ironic as you’re reading this on your stolen MacBook pro in your fucking bathtub full of cold fucking water in a council house you only have be because you scrounge of benefits. Yeah, I’m even willing to attack the reader in this so maybe you’ll stop asking me to do this shite. It’s worth noting that this may not strictly be true for most United fans(Like me), but it probably is.
Chris Smalling: 3 – Smalling was defending like a suicide bomber, thrown onto a pitch full of professional athletes and told to play well. As a matter of fact he didn’t and as a result it has severely disappointed me that he is not one of the gunman involved in the Charlie Hebdo attack, because then at least he would fuck off into a prison cell at he wouldn’t start another fucking game for us until he mans the fuck up and stops being a little bitch. Sort your shit out Chris, and trim that scraggly beard.
Daley Blind: 100,000,000 – You know one of the funniest things I’ve seen on Twitter is people posting their best Manchester United XI’s, and putting Carrick ahead of Blind. You know, Blind is smarter, better defensively and offensively and better look than Carrick. Picking between Blind and Carrick is like choosing which you’d prefer between a bar of chocolate and cancer. You’re going to go for the milky Daley Blind. If only we could clone Daley Blind and play him in all 10 outfield positions, we’d have already one the league because he’s so good. He started at CB, and was awesome, he played as a CDM for a matter of minutes and was awesome, and then he played at LWB and was also awesome. In fact, Blind is one of the smartest players in our team and when we play him at CDM, we look like a different team. He makes many interceptions to protect our Downs Syndrome ridden defence and as a result he takes the ball of them and plays good passes to players, instead of letting players like Tyler Blackett think that he’s Franz fucking Beckenbauer and instead players a 50 yard pass into a barrel of no hopes and fucking dreams, because when he’s playing, there’s no fucking hope, and we can’t even dream about winning. But we can dream about Daley Blind and his sheer beauty. Wet dreams for everyone.
Luke Shaw: 5 – If I had a pound coin for every time Luke Shaw got injured, I’d be able to hire Manchester United a decent fucking physio, and pay his transfer fee. As matter of fact he was quite good, he made an amazing tackle, clearance thing to stop Pelle and his neatly done hair having a shot at goal, although his attacking was a bit shite. However, it was promising as he’s just come back from a two month injury, only for him to go off injured again. However, we can only hope this is a precation and his little 18 year old ass with a good beard for his age is back on the pitch soon, mainly so we don’t have to see Tyler Blackett play a game off football again, and we can play Blind IN MIDFIELD.
Michael Carrick: 0 – Now, I like Carrick and he has been decent this season, but today he was about as useful as that stupid piece of plastic they put on your McFlurry at McDonalds, and by useful, I mean he was entirely fucking pointless and might as well not have been there. This is because he gave away the ball so many times, that someone who was watching football for the first time would think passing to the opposition is the aim of the fucking game. Furthermore, he was poor defensively and shouldn’t have even let the ball get to Tadic (Shit abs) for his goal. It’s even more ridiculous that despite such a terrible performance, he managed to play 90 minutes. Fucking hell Van Gaal.
Wayne Rooney: 3 – One good game in midfield and we play him there every game. Now, once day he might be able to do a Scholes and play in midfield, but right now he’s just too good to waste there and we should instead be playing him upfront in his best position and maybe play the player we’re playing upfront, in his best position which happens to be the POSITION ROONEY IS CURRENTLY PLAYING IN. However today Rooney was poor, he gave the ball away a lot and really didn’t do anything worth his £300k a week. He should give his weeks wages to Daley Blind. He deserves it for being so sexually attractive.
The 3-5-2 Formation: MINUS 352 – Shite, absolutely shite. Hopefully Van Gaal losing to Koeman means we never play this shit cunt formation ever again.
Juan Mata: 4 but -1 point for every good chance he missed, you can do the maths – If ever there was a bright spark, a nice piece of play or a chance created, it came from Juan Mata. Although he was still poor today, he was the closest we got to scoring as he had three really good opportunities which you’d usually expect Juan Mata to score, but he missed them all, the first almost being an open goal, the second being unmarked from 6 yards out and the first a decent effort from the edge of the area.
Angel Di Maria: 0 – I don’t want to rip Angel Di Maria too much for playing like a fucking sunflower because with all due respect he really doesn’t have the qualities to play upfront at all. Look at his time at Real Madrid, he had his best times in midfield, not on the wings or upfront because he’s not the best finisher of the ball in the world. However, Angel Di Maria is an exceptionally creative player and he’s excelled in the center of the park, where he gives up pace and drive we’ve lacked in midfield since Anderson was Europe’s golden boy, and a work rate we’ve lacked since Tom Cleverley and a creativity we’ve lacked since Kleberson. It’s even clear that he had an amazing start to his Manchester United career whilst playing in CENTRAL MIDFIELD with a CDM behind him in Blind to cover his ass defensively. So why change that now? When we put him on the wings he was ineffective and basically not in games at all, and then we put him upfront and he misses numerous opportunities.
Robin Van Persie: 3 – Van Persie was playing deeper than a females condom in a nuns vagina, and you could say his greying hair could symbolise the significant amount of dust you’d find up there too. He didn’t really do anything worthwhile though and went off injured, right at a time when we started creating chances and needed a proven goal scorer to miss all of them instead so we could throw a fucking tantrum. His best moment was when he was getting angry for not being given the ball back and we all in that moment had the slightest ounce of hope that he would punch Phil Dowd in the face, and although he would have been sent off, we’d have lost anyway but at least we could take someone good from today.
Victor Valdes and his stupid earring: He looks like a fucking Spanish conquistador who is about to start a mutiny on his ship and turn to a life of piracy.
Falcao, oh, wait he’s not in the fucking squad. GREAT.
Tyler Blackenbauer: -10 – One things for sure, you can bet your house that Tyler Blackett still sucks those rocket lollies in his paddling pool all summer the fucking useless go through puberty and grow a fucking brain bastard. If anything a man as lanky as him should have been getting to Tadic’s shot and at least blocking it on the line, that’s what Jagielka would have done. To further his embarrassment he tried a volley right as the whistle went and although he wouldn’t have counted, it was still terrible as it probably went out of the fucking stadium. And to think there were rumours we were going to give him a £50,000 a week contract.
Ander Herrera: +100 for not being as shit at passing as everyone else – However, you have wonder how he doesn’t start more matches? Is this the beginning of Wilfried Zaha and Lauren Moyes part two? But instead of Zaha it’s Ander Herrera and instead of David Moyes daughter, it’s the man who looks like a big thumbs little finger instead? DOES LVG HAVE A DAUGHTER AND DOES SHE ALSO LOOK LIKE A FINGER? Herrera has clearly been one of our best midfielders this year, he picks out the right passes and transitions the ball from defence to attack well, and he can fucking tackle too. So why don’t we play him? Probably nudes of Van Gaal or LVG still thinks he should be getting bullied in secondary school because he looks like a 14 year old embryo who gets picked on by all of the emo kids.
Paddy ‘If he comes on will probably have a’ McNair:
FELLAINI: 3 – Came on, didn’t do much as we launched shit long balls towards Rooney instead of him. Sense. So much of it was not used on this dark day.
Louis Van Gaal: 0 – WHY DOES THIS MAN PERSIST WITH THE 3-5-2? WHY DOES HE PUT DI MARIA UPFRONT AND ROONEY IN MIDFIELD? WHY DOES HE MAKE SHIT SUBSITUTIONS? I’LL BRING YOU THE ANSWERS WHEN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD STARTS TO MAKE A LITTLE MORE SENSE.
First of all to those who maybe haven’t read these before, don’t take this too seriously. It’s all one big joke you fucking retard.
Now, being at University I don’t have the time or the motivation to do this on a regular basis, so I would apologise for not doing these match ratings anymore, but I really don’t give a shit. I have one or two end of the David Moyes Era and LVG’s pre-season player ratings I may finish and post in one way or another as it would be a shame to let them go to waste, and people seem to get enjoyment out of it.
Here’s a bonus picture for your enjoyment.
An emotional game against a team so ugly, they cause depression on the people that have to look at them. Ryan Giggs notched his second win as United manager in possibly his last game at Old Trafford as a United player, along with Vidic, who is already set to leave. As many of the Old Guard prepare to leave to find a cave to spontaneously combust in, as nothing will beat playing for United in their lifetimes, many of the younger generation came through, and certainly shined.
David De Gea: 6 – A standard performance from the sexy Spanish bloke, who was doing a better impression of a model in goal than he was of a goalkeeper, because he basically had fuck all to do. Apart from conceding a wonder strike from Matty Fryatt, everybody’s favourite footballer who used to play for Wallsall, he had little to do, other than make an instinctive save, and fail to get onto a backwards header, because Butters fucking wonky teeth directed the path of the ball into a different direction to the one De Gea initially had judged. Should have been goalkeeper of the season, but the FA are a bunch of cunts, who were too busy sucking Luis Suarez dick whilst he shouted racial insults at pictures of black people. Cunt.
Antonio Valencia: 6 – Valencia starting at Right Back isn’t usually a good thing, but he didn’t really have anything to do today, which is a fucking brilliant thing because at least that means he’s not doing anything wrong. He did provide a bit more of a natural attacking intent than Smalling or Jones at Right Back, but that wasn’t really necessary as Januzaj was running the show. He didn’t have to do much defensively because Hull City are shit, just like the state of their God-Forsaken City. They probably started a winger, but I couldn’t really tell if there was one playing or not. He was stuck up Antonio Valencia’s fat fucking arse.
Chris Smalling: 7 – Smalling had a good game, and again proved why he is one of our better centerbacks, despite the fact he tried to score a goal for Hull, but instead we’ll put that down to is magnanimity. He wasn’t really faced with much, but when danger did arise, he managed to put it out before it amounted to anything. On the Brightside, at least he’s not blowing people up. Perhaps he’s moving away from TERRORISM.
Phil Jones: FUCKING INJURED – Phil Jones could be a fantastic fucking centerback, he’s already the best player in the world on his day, but his one flaw is his rashness. Often we see him going in without a fucking care in the world, and most of the time he’s usually injuring himself in the process. Now, I know Vidic seems to do it just fine, but he shows caution and goes in for a physical challenge at the right time, the problem with Jones is he goes in at every time, often injuring himself, giving away a free kick or a penalty or leaving open space. One he sorts this out; Messi will be sucking his diamond encrusted cock of fucking gold for a living.
Alexander Buttner: 5 – Not a fantastic performance, but look at this in a positive manner, if it was Evra I’d probably be giving him a rating of 3 right now. Buttner wasn’t great, he wasn’t overly bad, but he wasn’t particularly good at anything. He was a presence going forward, but his crosses were almost as shit as Tom Cleverley’s life, and his defending, at times was a bit poor, he did get completely skinned and also played an awful header back to Dave, nearly resulting in a goal. He should get another tattoo, saying “Bang fucking average cunt, but I’ll suck Louis Van Gaals dick for playing time”
Michael Carrick: 5 – Carricks performances this season often make me want to castrate myself. Now alothough we have to attribute our downfall to many players underperforming, as well as David Moyes and the staff being shit as cookies with raisins in, I think Carricks performances is the most notable. He was the heart and soul of our midfield and at times we solely relied on him last season, and if we still had the Carrick of last season, perhaps we wouldn’t be so shit, and someone would wipe Fellaini or Cleverley’s ass when they decide they can’t be fucking bothered. But no, Carrick is shit now, but hopefully he can regain that spectacular form next season, otherwise he’ll be warming the bench, and with Louis Van Gaal as your manager, you’re prone to being sexually assaulted if you’re warming the bench. An old psychotic man has needs too, and your ass provides the answer to those needs.
Shinji Kagawa: 5 – Kagawa started in midfield, when Fellaini started off the striker, nobody is really fucking sure why, but one thing is for sure, Kagawa was pretty fucking wank, as he usually is when he can make interracial football porn with Juan Mata. Clearly Adnan Januzaj has a big enough dick to do it on his own, but Kagawa just wasn’t linking with him or anyone, there was the odd pass that was slightly decent, but mostly he was wasteful and offered nothing. It’s as if he’s doing his best impression of the pre-Mata era Shinji Kagawa. He may have had more of an influence if he was playing more further forward, in the vagina area, rather than deeper in the asshole.
Adnan Januzaj: 9 – A fantastic performance, from this man nobody has ever heard of because he’s been stuck on the bench for the past fucking 10 million years. Januzaj was running the show without being hidden in the mist of RVP, Rooney, Mata or Tom Cleverley. Whenever Januzaj was on the ball, you know some little bitches would become his whores, and with his sperm in them, they’ll have decent footballing ability. How do you think Aaron Ramsey suddenly became good? Januzaj impregnated him, that’s how. But seriously, there were many really good dribbles, key passes and crosses, and it was sexual.
Marouane Fellaini: 7 – Despite the fact everybody hates Fellaini, he wasn’t THAT shit today, and I’ve been nice and attributed him a nice rating for his two assists because I’m just a fucking top gentleman like that. First of all, he actually won headers, and one of them assisted James Wilsons first goal, and the other one nearly assisted a similar goal, had the shot not been blocked. His second assist wasn’t as intentional, as his shit shot from Januzaj’s pass back, was shit because he wasn’t using his chest to control it, or his head to head it, but the rebound fell to Wilson who expertly dispatched the goal. Other than that, occasionally he was a bit out of place in the attack, he doesn’t exactly have nimble footwork or an insane attacking ability that we need to link with other attacking players, but he wasn’t that bad and hasn’t been as bad as people are making out. After a slight rocky start and then injuries, he found some really good form, before not being arsed in the big games and then seeming to lose all confidence. I still have faith he’ll be a decent player.
Tom Lawrence: 8 – Tom Lawrence put in a very good performance tonight, and played with desire, confidence and conviction last a 15 year old nerd with no feelings playing Call of Duty and somehow managing to not get angry or wish death on other people. Lawrence had made several good runs taking him into some very good positions today although occasionally he was wasteful, but that’s to be expected of him and his lack of experience, and even had a shot that went narrowly over. He probably won’t get the credit Wilson gets, but he bloody well should.
James Wilson: 8 – A top game by the man who is already better than MICHAEL FUCKING HORSE SHAGGING OWEN, as he scored two instinctive strikers on his debut, and was unlucky not to get one or two more, perhaps he would have even scored a few of the FOUR genuine penalty appeals we should have had. But it was a good performance after he initially looked as if he was struggling to settle, and hopefully this will be enough to keep his place for the game against Southampton, although it’s unlikely we’ll want to overuse him and Lawerence with the Under 21 Premier League Final next week. At least then we can say we won the league more than Liverpool this season, if we win it, and they don’t. The fucking racists.
BIG BAD NEMANJA FUCKING VIDIC: 7 – An emotional last game for big bad Nemanja, who didn’t really have anything to do but continue to look fucking bad ass. I nearly cried in his speech at the end, I’ll miss this big bad cunt.
The shit Neville
Robin Van Persie: 8 – Van Persie looked sharp tonight, he scored a nicely placed goal and some of his overall play as a number 10 was good, he spread the play well and brought others into the game, something he hasn’t really done as much with Rooney behind him. He says things will get better, and I trust him. Him and his grey highlights that work so perfectly.
JUAN MATA BEING CUTE AND SHIT
Ryan Giggs: 8 – Quite possibly Giggs last home game at United, until he inevitably signs a new deal, as he does every year, and will continue to do so every year for the next 10 million years. He still hasn’t got his goal, but there’s always Southampton. He was actually good today, much better than any of the other midfielders we had, and he provided a brilliant assist for RVP. I’d rather keep Giggs for another 10 years than Cleverley for another fucking month. That useless bastard is incapable of even clapping like a retarded seal, let alone a retarded human being. Go HUMANS.
“Who’s there?” said Ryan Giggs?
“David Moyes”, bemoaned, a depressed David Moyes, who has since turned to alcohol and drugs to solve his problems.
“What do you want, you Ginger and Scottish version of Adolf Hitler”, Giggs said quizzically.
“What’s the time?” Begged David Moyes in a desperate manner.
“Time to get a watch, bitch.” – Giggs exclaimed like a fucking bad ass.
So, In Ryan Giggs first game as Manchester United manager, we saw huge improvements. We didn’t defend like useless, huge KFC bargain bucked sized cunts; we didn’t attack like non-existent cunts. The players, they played with fluidity, flair and a quick tempo, and they actually passed the ball, rather than playing the long ball to our wingers. Everything about this game was so much better, and although we shouldn’t judge Giggs or United’s future on one game, if it continues, we won’t have to worry about hiring someone that might be as bad as David Moyes in the future. We’d have sat back at 1-0 and then lost to Norwich under him.
David De Gea: 8 – A good performance from David De Gea, and one of the few times he hasn’t had to pick the ball out of his net due to his defenders being trained to defend like Jews, and by that I mean not at all. He made a few good saves to keep Norwich out, but they really didn’t have much of an attacking presence. He had to collect a few balls in the air, but he did so with ease because he’s David De Gea, and his beard basically helps him fly. Each side flaps like a birds wings, and he is elevated gracefully into the air, as if he’s Jesus or some shit like that.
Phil Jones: 8 – Today, Phil Jones was doing his best impression of David Beckham. The first good decision Ryan Giggs made, was to start Jones over Smalling at Right Back, a common mistake Moyes made so frequently. But Jones was great today. He didn’t have much to do defensively, but he was more dangerous than natural winger Antonio Valencia on the attack. Early on he put in a brilliant cross that Kagawa nearly tapped home, and then he put in a cross which Juan Mata headed home calmly. A good performance by the Cock of Gold.
Rio JOSEPH GOEBBELS Ferdinand 6 – Ferdinand wasn’t that bad, he did well defensively, but I marked him down because his face annoys me and he occasionally continued those shite long balls, where only one every five years seems to come off and lead to something good. Other than that, he wasn’t really troubled, mainly because he only had to face Van Wolfswinkel, but all he could do was laugh at his shit name. Shame.
I AM RYAN GIGGS AND I AM VISIBLE THROUGH EVERYTHING. I AM THE CENTER OF ATTENTION, WHERE’S MY BROTHERS WIFE I THINK SHE NEEDS MY COCK IN HER ARSE.
Nemanja Vidic: 7 – Nemanja Vidic probably would have got a higher rating had he knocked Robert Snodgrass, the man who claims he rejected a trial offer from Barcelona(Although let’s be fair, that probably never happened. He’s just like a teenage girl that needs to make up lies for attention and friends, as a way to make her feel self-confident. We all know someone like that…). Vidic nearly scored a goal, but didn’t. Arguably, you have to question why we are bothering with a man who has already signed a contract with another team. I’d rather play Evans, or head of Al Qaeda Chris Smalling at Centterback, as they’re staying. I do wonder if Vidic agreed to leave because of Moyes…the useless Scottish cunt.
Patrice Evra: 7 – WOULD YOU BE SURPRISED IF I TOLD YOU EVRA HAD A GOOD GAME AND DIDN’T MAKE ANY DEFENSIVE MISTAKES? OF COURSE YOU WOULD. Evra actually made a tackle in defense, and although Norwich weren’t that attacking, a tackle is a tackle so credit where it’s due. Evra was also helpful on the overlap, and provided the cross that Valencia cunted towards Mata for his second goal. Still, with rumours United are nearing a deal with Luke Shaw and Sead Kolasinac, you have to wonder about Evra’s future. It would be good to keep him as back up early on, as he is a key figure in the dressing room and he’s a good example to use to call Luis Suarez a racist, but then, he’s on a huge wage and he shags prostitutes like there’s no tomorrow. Those pesky French slags.
Michael Carrick: 7 – A good performance by Carrick? What a surprise it comes when Moyes has gone. Carrick was good defensively today, making interceptions and filling gaps left by a player going into the attack, something that we didn’t really do under Moyes and that cost us a fair few goals. His passing was also decent as he spread the play, and for once even tried a few of those long forward passes, although as it’s been so long since he’s had to do them, a few were misplaced. But it was good to pretend it’s 2012 again.
Tom Cleverley: 5 – Cleverley wasn’t exactly fantastic today, amid rumours Everton and Arsenal for some reason want to pay £20million for him. To be fair, he’s a good back up player who has put in some good performances, but seems to have lost his confidence, but a top player? Well, unless he has a sudden Aaron Ramsey rise to being pretty good in one season, then I doubt he’ll ever be one of them. Cleverley was good defensively, he won the ball back a fair few times, but he evened that up by either losing it needlessly in poor positions, or losing position in the attacking section of the pitch and stopping an attack. Shit bastard.
Antonio Valencia: 5 – Another poor performance from Valencia, who has well and truly lost his way from the great player he was two seasons ago. Today was just full of misplaced passes, both blocked and shit crosses and the occasionally shot into a crowd of players. Valencia lacked so much attacking ability that even Phil Jones did more at Right Back, to show he’s probably more capable of playing on the right wing than fucking Valencia. Working hard like a fucking horse is all good and well, but when you play football as badly as a fucking horse does, then you know the sport isn’t for you. Instead, he should probably try running in the Grand National or the Cheltenham Gold Cup. He’d be good at that.
Shinji Kagawa: 8 – A good performance from Kagawa, who seemed at home in a new style containing flair and fluidity, something we’ve often lacked at times. He did some good work, particularly his backheel to put Valencia in, but that’s testament to his failures at United, not because he’s not good, he’s fantastic, but because he’s not surrounded by players that really understand his style of play and are on the same wavelength, like Valencia, who is fucking shite. It’s no surprise he’s developed a good relationship with Mata and Januzaj on the field, and even to some extent Rooney. He just needs to be played with players like him to bring out the best in his abilities. Until then, back to shagging his porn star girlfriend.
Wayne Rooney: 7 – Rooney didn’t put in a good performance today, but he did score some fantastic goals. Now, Rooney in general was poor, he gave the ball away a lot and his passing and first touch was awful, as he’s probably been spending too much time in recent months suck David Moyes cock and balls dry of sperm, rather than training. But his goals were good, the first was a calmly taken penalty, and the second was a brilliantly curled effort which he managed to sneak into the bottom corner, although slipping. A similar story to when he was shagging grannys with dusty vaginas, I can imagine. He could have scored a few more, but two curling shots were saved by Ruddy, who was really ready and prepared. Unlucky not to get a hattrick.
Danny Welbeck: 6 – Welbeck, tonight wasn’t dat guy. Instead he took the limelight off himself being so awesome, and he let Giggs be DAT GUY, DAT GAFFA. Welbeck won the penalty after falling over like a new born baby giraffe falling over a rock like a fucking cunt, although it was a definite penalty. However, he was often pushed out to the wing and found himself ineffective at times. He linked up well, with some nice touches and passes but ultimately wasn’t able to have a significant impact on the game with any of his fast as fucking fuck runs. He had one or two thundercunt shots at Ruddy, but nothing that the keeper shouldn’t be dealing with.
The Ghost of David Moyes
Javier Hernandez: 69 – Javier Hernandez is usually the happiest man in the world, so it takes a lot for him to become the complete opposite. Sadly, David Moyes was enough to turn him from and optimistic, lovable agent of the world, into a depressed Mexicunt. We can only imagine the sexual horrors Hernandez has suffered at the hands of David Moyes, and so that’s why the 69 rating is aprorpriate. Hernandez was played through on goal today, but out of fear, he missed the goal completely. He’s probably still mentally scarred at the sight of David Moyes sticking his cock in his arse whilst sucking his dick at the same time. The eye contact is the final nail in the coffin.
Steve lost somewhere near the Roundabout
Ashley Young: 5 – Came on, was shit. Had a shot that when five miles over the goal. Pointless. Do I need to say anything else? Hopefully this cunt is sold in the summer. Useless. Prick.
CHRIS WOODS – I WILL SURVIVE
Juan Mata: 9 – Much to the disappointment of United fans everywhere, Mata didn’t start. But when he came on he continued to be a perfect human being, adding an instinctive finish and calm header to his tally. This little man is perfect, and I’m disappointed he didn’t get the opportunity for a hattrick. He was connecting well with the other players and I love him so much I want his sexy children.
Ryan Giggs, MANAGER: 10 – Top lad.
Paul Scholes: 8 – still better than all of our midfielders, so I automatically have to give him a higher rating.
Fuck Bayern Munich. Two World Wars One World Cup. In order to get the Nazi joke expected of me out of the way(Which would be rather ignorant of me, Bayern Munich are a Jewish club set up by a bunch of Jews and openly opposed the Nazis and shit), here is a picture of Joseph Goebbels and Rio Ferdinand. Can you guess who is who?
David De Gea: 6 – Not an awful lot to do, but look at the floor in despair as Barcelona were handed a transfer embargo, which in turn rules out the only Spanish club he could leave Goalkeeping Coach Chris Woods sex dudgeon for. However, tonight was not his night because everybody else played like a cunt, particularly Evra. He made one or two saves, but was mainly undone by shit defending and fucking deflections.
PHIL JONES: 10 – Imagine thinking Phil Jones isn’t the best player in the world. For once, Chris Smalling didn’t start at Right Back in a game WE DID NOT HAVE A NATURAL RIGHT BACK PLAYING IN HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Credit to Moyes, he’s well on his way to being the next Sir Alex Ferguson like when he used to start John O’Shea over Wes Brown at Right Back for the fucking bantz. Jones was fantastic, as he was in the first leg. If I told you who Franck Ribery was without saying he’s the ugliest cunt on the pitch, you’d never have heard of him because he was crawling slowly in Phil Jones shadow, trying what’s left to hold on to the dignity, flowing out of the scars in his face like a lake of disappointment. So basically, like the River Thames, what a shit river.
Chris Smalling: 8 – Chris Smalling, probably the only other player really worth much of a positive mention tonight. He was rock solid at centerback, heading aerial balls away like he still plays for Fulham. He was rock solid in defence and wasn’t really at fault for any of the mistakes. However he did prematurely detonate in the second half and he played dead so he didn’t look like a dickhead, but in turn looked like more of a dickhead with his teapot shaped head. I presume his bomb must have gone off early and in the wrong place. He wasn’t the same after that, he seemed disorientated and distant. Like he was alone in the Universe, thinking he was incontrol of his whole life. Then Bayern scored, again, and again and again.
Nemanja Vidic: 6 – A good game for the most part for Vidic, he was strong in the air like he was a fucking Pterodactyl, and even blocked the ball with his own balls because he’s just that much of a man. When he stands next to women, they start to grow bears because his aura of fucking manliness forces them to. However, he was at fault for letting Thomas Muller get infront of him, tap the ball home and then celebrate like he’s just been cured of fucking AIDS or some shit. Fucking bellend.
Patrice Evra: 0 – Evra, for about 22 seconds made me and many others including our entire team the happiest people ever. His fucking cunt of a strike that went in off the post was incredibly and my cock nearly exploded. However, I’d like to continue being nice to Evra for once, and I would if he hadn’t proven himself to be a useless dickhead. His awful defending led to all three goals, he should have at least tried to bite Mandzuckic or do some cheating shit that Luis Suarez does when he’s in trouble, he should have closed down Robben so his cross for the second NEVER FUCKING HAPPENS, and the third goal I guess was coming. It’s not hard to know that Arjen Robben is one of those people that age at about 20 years a month, and look really scary, it’s also not hard to know that all he does it cut in on his left foot and shots or passes it. HE’S MADE A FUCKING CAREER OUT OF IT BECAUSE HE’S ACTUALLY NOT A BAD FINISHER. However it didn’t occur to Evra that such a one footed player might be a danger when given a chance to use his stronger foot. So instead of forcing him onto his right foot or not letting him it at all like SUPER ALEXANDER BUTTNER did, he didn’t do anything. He literally wasn’t marking him most of the time, he was like 20 yards away, stood there trying to look involved. His performance when compared to Buttners last week makes good old Alexander look like Dennis Irwin, and then some. That some would be his dashing looks!
Darren Fletcher: 5 – Not a half bad performance, his distribution wasn’t great, but he’s Scottish so the only thing he can distribute well is Jack Daniels in Coke Glasses and racial insults. Sadly, neither of those happened today but he did do some tackling, more that Cleverley would have done. He got forward a bit but was really unable to connect with fucking anybody. Protected his side of the defence well, even if his side included a terrorist and a God. Top lad.
Michael Carrick: 4 – A poor performance from Carrick, who should ultimately win two awards this season, and neither of them are our Player of the Season awards. He has to win the biggest regression of anything to a significantly inferior state since fucking ballons that get popped by cunt children, and the world shittest attempt at a shit beard. His passing was shit, his interceptions were alright but not up to the standard of a man who bases his career on the number of interceptions he makes in a season. Just remember how good he was last year and look at him now. You’d think he’s the one who fell ill, not Fletcher.
Antonio Valencia: 7 – A good performance from Valencia, for once! Who’d of thought it? A man, who is the sole creative force for the Ecuadorian National team and their only hope of doing well since that guy who was good on FIFA and Football Manager, sadly, died. However, he worked hard and troubled the full back, and managed to put in a DECENT CROSS, YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY I DID JUST SAY VALENCIA MANAGED TO PUT IN A DECENT CROSS. His pace was abusive, but not enough. We still fucking lost.
Wayne Rooney: 0 – A poor game for Rooney, as his bruised toe fucked up two opportunities, one which he delayed so long the sun burned out and was then relit by Phil Jones because he’s fucking Godly and shit, and Chris Smalling managed to put on a west end theatrical musical version thing of a plane hitting a tower all before Rooney decided to take a shot or pass. Instead, he kicked it at the defender and shouted “GET OUTTA MAH SWAMP,” even though he was in Germany, and that’s a swamp nobody wants to be in. Hitler’s somewhere within that swap, and we’ve all played Call of Duty enough to know Nazi Zombies can appear out of nowhere. The second chance was a poor pass from Welbeck, that Rooney should have fucking hit top corner, but instead he managed to play a weak through ball to the Bayern Munich right back. A poor performance. I refuse to give him a rating until he apologises.
Shinji Kagawa: 6 – Kagawa has never lost against Bayern Munich, until David Moyes took charge. #MOYESOUT. Kagawa was alright, and helped launched a few attacks and played some good passes, even at one point he tried to show Javier Hernandez who was being miserable on the bench at the time how to shoot from outside the box, but he missed and the lesson was pointless. However Kagawa doesn’t have much influence if you can’t get him on the ball, as you would expect from a player who is exceptional with the ball, and not a 40 foot Iron Giant like Chris Smalling appears to believe he is when he plays his shitty long passes over fucking everybody ever.
Danny Welbeck: 6 – Welbeck worked hard, like one of those teenagers on that horse tranquilizer shit trying to have a wank, he was hard working, fast, and ultimately causing so much friction the skin is coming off and the banjo skin snaps. The poor little Hipster boy in turn commits suicide. Chances weren’t as common for Welbeck to miss or have wrongly disallowed today, and our main tactic seemed to be kick it long and hope Valencia or Welbeck can get there before the defender, which sometimes they did, but most of the times they didn’t. Sadly, Welbeck was taken off whilst Rooney was allowed to remain on the pitch after two shocking misses. Welbeck is still dat guy.
Januzaj: 6 – Came on to witness failure on a European scale. Will probably never choose a national team now.
Hernandez: 6 – Came on and did some running, but it was too late. Mexicunt.
DAVID MOYES TEARS
AN EMPTY SEAT WHERE THE ENTIRE BACKROOM STAFF WHO WILL NOW LOSE THEIR JOBS USED TO SIT USELESS CUNTS FUCK STEVE ROUND BITCH
Here’s a picture of Juan Mata being perfect to cheer us all up. I want him in a very gay way.
You know life is shit when you have to go to Newcastle, and you’re instantly surrounded by the worst people fucking ever. Slags, druggies, Newcastle fans and inbreds. They’re a wee club and playing them seems like a waste of time. We don’t want to lose our player’s innocence to Newcastle. Cunts. Fuck Alan Pardew I hope Fellaini elbows you.
David De G…ANDERS LINDEGAARD: 8 – The majority of United fans have been scared of Anders Lindegaard playing since that car crash of a game Lindegaard has against Reading, in the 4-3 win last season. But clearly a season of watching David De Gea play makes you a top goalkeeper as Lindegaard made 3 or 4 world class saves today, much to the surprise of PLANET EARTH. I think I might go and find my goalkeepers gloves out and join a team again, before rising to fame by winning the Premier League with David Moyes and the World Cup with Roy Hodgson. Fuck Joe Hart and his dandruff the cunt.
Antonio Valencia 6 – We could have started man mountain Saidy Janko, or that Uruguayan bloke Guillermo Varela if we seriously want to find decent backup for Rafael next season, unless of course we will be launching a £30million pound bid for Seamus Coleman. However we started Antonio Valencia, and although he wasn’t fantastic (He never is these days), he was decent. He dealt with all the Newcastle United threats coming down the left, which was absolutely fucking nobody bar Davide Santon, and he provided a slight bit of attacking instinctive that we lack when we start Jones or Smalling at centerback. He looked angry though, like he was going to rip his shirt off and punch Alan Pardew, the fucking Abomination.
Chris Smalling: 7 – Chris Smalling made his long awaited turn from his terrorist training camp in Iraq, and was slotted right into United’s defence, rather ironically. Imagine a terrorist having to defend something instead of launching a brutal attacking on some slags. However, he wasn’t faced with many dangers other than having to deal with an overweight Shola Ameobi late on. If that fat bastard falls on you, you’re done mate. He near got ahead of Rob Elliot to score a header, but he didn’t. But it doesn’t matter “We’re Manchester United, we’ll do what we want.”
Phil Jones: 7 – Phil Jones, like Chris Smalling didn’t really have many problems. The only problem he really had was that Papiss Cisse is arguably better looking than him. Instead Phil Jones just ran around gurning, and nearly fucked up once or twice but he just wanted to give Newcastle a chance, because they’re so fucking shit. It was a relatively standard game, and hopefully he starts against Bayern at Right Back over Smalling, under the presumption Rafael is not fit and will probably get himself sent off anyway.
Patrice Evra: 5 – If you were looking at Manchester United’s left flank you’d probably notice two things that would surprise you, the first would be Shinji Kagawa having a run of good games, and the second would be the apparent Ghost filling the left back position. Contrary to popular belief, that ghost was actually Patrice Evra, just having a little gander down the left flank, not doing too much at all, in fact doing nothing at all. He was substituted for Gypsy madman Alexander Buttner, who did more during his spell on the pitch than Evra has done for the majority of the season. It’s clear who should start against Bayern Munich midweek.
Darren Fletcher: 8 – A good performance from Fletcher today, as Moyes conveyed his tactics to the stand in captain once Evra had fucked of by post-it notes, as your conventional manager does. Fletcher won the free kick for Mata’s first, and winning the balls in midfield. How bad it must feel to play alongside Scholes and Keane once upon a time, to now starting next to players like Fellaini and Cleverley. The man nearly died for fucks sake. He doesn’t deserve this. This is like a Disney story where Cinderella, instead of marrying Prince Charming, instead gets bummed by a fucking Dragon and then dies. There is no happy ending.
Marouane Fellaini: 5 – I like to imagine, that when Marouane Fellaini was born, he elbowed his mother in the cunt, and spit in his father’s face. Soon after these events he was labelled a FUCKING SADISTIC PSYCHOPATH DUE TO HIS DESIRE TO HURT PEOPLE. He grew up being painfully average at everything, but nobody told him that, he was getting straight A’s in his lessons and starting in every position for the school football team because people were too scared of losing their anal virginity to him. THEN, ALAS, DAVID MOYES PLUCKED UP THE COURAGE TO SUBSITUTE HIM WHILST HE WAS BEING PAINFULLY AVERAGE AND CHANGED THE FORMATION. HE TOOK A RISK, LIKE A CHILD SNIFFING GLUE AND HE FOUND OUT IT WAS A GOOD RISK AND HE LIKED IT. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M SAYING.
Ashley Young: 100 – Ashley Young is instantly my man of the match by doing us all a favour and injuring his thumb after 17 minutes, allowing us not to see him for the rest of the game or against Bayern. He’ll probably go and shove that thumb up his arse when he wanks over Juan Mata’s perfection, and I hope it’s so swollen it gets stuck up there. This also enabled us to watch Januzaj do a wider range of good things with the ball in one game than Ashley Young as done for the whole of his United career, where he just scores the same fucking goal every now and then. Cunt.
Juan Mata: 11 – If you ever wanted a definition of perfect, or the epitome of an omnipotent, omniscient and omnibenevolent God who is ever present, then Juan Mata is that deity. He was perfect today, not only in his dashing looks that has every human being bowing at his feet, but in his play as well. He scored a perfectly struck free kick that was so awesome, the goal is now pregnant with Juan Mata’s babies, much to my jealously. The second was some beautiful footwork which enables him to pass the ball into the net because all the defenders and the goalkeeper were starstruck. They looked like those bellends that idolise Justin Bieber and One Direction, and they should instantly be released into an arena full of lions. Mata later provided a nice backheel to Januzaj in order to score the fourth. I’d let Juan Mata back heel me. A truly outstanding player. I love him. Marry me.
Shinji Kagawa: 9 – Imagine Shinji Kagawa being consistently good. Well this is what happens, and arguably it’s all thanks to the signing of Juan Mata, enabling us to use them both to complement each other to the best of their ability. When we get them both on the ball, you see some of these nice passes, and the ability to keep possession by passing the ball two yards and then evoking a NATION WIDE ORGASM. If only our other players could do this. Kagawa assisted Hernandez goal, and if other players took their chances, not only in this game but in every game then he’d have about 30 assists a season. The future is starting to look bright. I hope his pornstar girlfriend is okay.
Javier Hernandez: 9 – A top and energetic performance from Javier Hernandez, the now miserable little Mexicunt. You know things are bad when Hernandez, formerly the happiest man of all time since Stan Collymore when he beat up a few women, is suddenly depressed. But today he was good, he scored an instinctive finish from a top Shinji Kagawa pass, he assisted Juan Mata in being perfect, and he was unlucky not to come away with another goal, when played through on goal but his shot appears to have been ever so slightly deflected by Rob Elliot. Certainly given Moyes something to think about.
DAVID DE DONUT
ALEXANDER I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTNER IS ROBBEN STILL IN YOUR POCKET MATE: 6 – Buttner came on and did things, which was better than what Evra did all game. Although he didn’t have much defending to do, he was an outlet in attack, mainly to pass to and to scare the opposition into giving the ball back to us because he’s one gruesome motherfucker
LADnan Januzaj: 8 – A top performance from Januzaj who has gained some of his form back after a much needed rest. His final product was a bit off at times, with a few passes, crosses or shots going well wide into the stands. He was beating players with his trickery and skill like it’s nobody’s fucking business, but the end product was poor until he latched onto Juan Mata’s back heel and scored a well-placed goal late on. A good game where he linked well with Mata and Kagawa, I’d like to see them all play at the same time with Rooney.
Michael Jackson: 6 – After nearly 10 MILLION YEARS OF BEING INJURED, Nani died, but its okay as he came back to life in Michael Jackson’s thriller. He was a bit off the ball, but after being injured for the majority of the last three seasons, you can hardly expect much. He missed an air shot that Nani on his day would either bury in the top corner or put 40 yards over the goal. He had a good run at the end, running past some Newcastle players, but that’s not hard, even for someone who has been injured so much we can officially call him a cripple.
JAMES WILSON – BUT HE DIDN’T COME ON SO FUCKING DAVID MOYES THE DICKHEAD