Manchester United dominated Chelsea in what was a tactical masterclass from Jose Mourinho. Antonio Conte tried to emulate Mourinhos tactical genius by taking off his shite hat, which was clearly nullifying his tactical thinking. However, taking off his hat didn’t actually make a positive difference as he was still seemingly making completely retarded decisions to a level only Arsene Wenger can match. It led him down a path which ended with him bringing on Reuben Loftus Cheek to try to get a goal back and bring Chelsea back into this game. You know, Loftus-fucking-Cheek. The guy that isn’t getting many Premier League minutes for Chelsea this season because Jose Mourinho doesn’t play youth players.
David De Gea: 7 – With rumours of Real Madrid sniffing around David De Gea’s shit like a stray dog desperately looking for anything nutritious coming back into the media, he would have done himself no harm in retaining such interest with todays game. That wouldn’t be because he was fantastic, though. If anything, I’m not actually sure he made a save, at least not one worth remembering. At most, he caught a few shit, over hit, aimless crosses. His chances were helped by the fact that another Real Madrid ‘target’ Thibaut Courtios didn’t play, probably because he was scared that David De Gea would put him to shame, and as such, he wouldn’t get a move to Real Madrid as their second choice target when David De Gea inevitably signs a contract for life with Manchester United(I’m probably forcing myself into a world of delusion at this point). Also, he’s shit and not even comparable to De Gea in the slightest. Bring it Chelsea fans. Bring it.
Antonio Valencia: 7 – Valencia has had a very interesting journey at Manchester United. He signed in the wake of Cristiano Ronaldo fucking off to a shitter City than Manchester(the increase in sun is not valid reasoning), in a worse country than England(enjoy your financial crisis Spain). He quickly become one of the best wingers at Manchester United and in the world for a period of time, before becoming the worst winger when he took on the number 7 shit. When he realised attacking wasn’t for him, he became Manchester United’s worst right back. That was until this season, when his form has been incredible and he is without doubt the best right back at Manchester United and arguably one of the best in the Premier League (Anyone who says Bellerin can suck my dick. Kyle Walker and David Meyler’s YouTube channel would be the only acceptable comparisons). He continued that great form tonight by putting in a good defensive display and his pace was helpful on United counter attacks.
Eric Bailly: 8 – This afternoons performance from Eric Bailly was probably one of my favourite from him as a Manchester United player, and believe me, there are many good ones. Usually he’s running around like a Rhino in a pen full of cute, adorable, innocent, harmless puppies, bashing the shit out of the little fuckers that get in his way. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fucking hilarious, but today he was far more composed and intelligent, and less rash, whilst still being completely dominant. Bailly and Rojo have formed an incredible partnership in defence of late, and together they man marked Diego Costa out of the match to the point that he started throwing tantrums and playing dirty because he wasn’t getting another attention to fill the ego of the bratty little 15 year old girl inside of him. Standard.
Marcos Rojo: 8 – I’ve been a longtime critic of Marcos Rojo. I thought he was rash and injury prone in his first season, and then in his second season he was a horrific left back. Like, he was awful at defending. He was an AIDS standard of awful, you could say. However, this season after being given a chance at Centerback he has flourished. Mainly because he has had to cover for the defensive ineptitude of Chris/Mike Smalling. He has also formed a good relationship with Bailly. The highlight of today was how he bullied the shit out of Diego Costa to the point where it is actually more surprising that Costa didn’t get sent off, than the fact Manchester United actually won a game, let alone the additional fact that they won that game by more than one goal WHILST keeping a clean shit. I think there’s a top player in Rojo, and if he can continue his current form whilst cutting some of the bullshit (in the form of some unbelievably stupid tackles) out of his game, he could be a very top defender for the club.
Matteo Darmian: 6 – I don’t really want to waste too much time talking about Matteo Darmian because I think he’s shit and I hate him. He’s far from the intelligent, fearless full back that he was when Manchester United first signed him from Torino, and to be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was forced out the club in the summer. However, today, he put in a relatively solid performance. He didn’t really do anything incredible, but he didn’t do anything wrong either. Well, apart from his haircut and his shit sideburns. They’ll never be anything but wrong.
Ander Herrera: 9 – Ander Herrera, AKA the player Chelsea fans think Kante actually is was easily the man of the match today. He set up Rashfords goal with a beautiful pass before his shot cannoned into the Chelsea goal off Kante(There’s a certain irony in that). However, the real highlight of his performance today was the spectacular man-marking job he did on Eden Hazard, who is actually quite good again. Hazard was barely even in the game, other than when he threw the occasional fit because somebody touched him and he wasn’t strong enough to stay standing on his feet, the little fucking pussy. I don’t think I’ve seen a man-marking job as good as that since Ji-Sung Three Lunged Park man marked Pirlo back to the days he was a failing piece of shit that was on loan at Brescia. It was also a really nice touch for Herrera to whisper in Hazard’s ear at the end of the game, granting him freedom of his back pocket. Whilst it’s likely Hazard will try to stay in his pocket in hopes he never has to leave Manchester to play for a team that managed to get embarrassed like that, you still have to commend the act of good will from Ander Herrera. What a man. Furthermore, Herrera’s performance is even more satisfying purely because rival fans hate him. He is a bastard, but he’s our bastard, and we love him for it.
That’s for you @Michaelhall1234
Marouane Fellaini: 8 – I’m not usually a fan of Fellaini constantly acting like a useless fucking half arsed oak tree cunt, but credit where it’s due, he put in a dominating performance in the heart of midfield today, similar to that of the Ents away at Isengard a few years ago. He was the physicality in midfield and every time Chelsea got the ball back, it was Fellaini who was there to elbow the Chelsea player without the referee noticing until he gave the ball back to him, which you have to say is very impressive. I cannot remember that last time he got a yellow card.
Paul Pogba: 7 – A solid performance by the man who has changed his hair more times than he has goal and assists for Manchester United. He was a little less attacking today and a little more instrumental in helping Manchester United dominate Chelsea without Michael Carrick spraying the passes. He kept possession and played some smart passes to switch the play, as well as making some key tackles and interceptions to break up Chelsea attacks. This was a step in the right direction to Pogba being the dominating midfielder Manchester United want him to be. It’s just in this game, his performance is overshadowed by that of Fellaini and Herrera.
Jesse Lingard: 8 – If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll know how much I HATE Jesse Lingard. Hate may be a strong word, but his performances anger me. However, today I cannot say I hated Jesse Lingard, and I’ll swallow my pride when I say I thought he was one of the better players on the pitch. He started next to Rashford in a front two and they had such a strong connection, only a blind, elderly, disabled person and her guide dog (which happens to be a Golden Retriever called Diego Costa is a cunt) could compete. His performance along with Rashfords is only indicative of a future Mnachester United could have without Zlatan.
Marcus Rashford: 8 – Rashford worked his little cock off today. Despite spannering a shot very early on well wide, he quickly redeemed himself by scoring the opening goal with a calm finish from Herrera’s pass. Rashford, along with Lingard tore Zouma, Cahill and David Luiz a new asshole. It was almost like we were attacking a makeshift defence made up from people from the Make a Wish Foundation, whose one wish was to get shafted by Marcus Rashford. The pace and energy injected into the attack showed us that things could get even better at Manchester Untied post Ibrahimovic, who keeps saying he’ll leave if Manchester United don’t qualify for the Champions League next season, despite the fact it’s probably his fault we’re not top, let alone in the top 4 due to some of his finishing. Whilst he is a quality player capable of creating something from nothing, with Ibrahimovic we’re much slower and unable to test defences as much as Rashford and Lingard could today.
Ashley Young: 7 – I don’t rate Ashley Youngs football ability at all, as evidenced by the fact he took out a few ISIS Snipers from halfway across the world with his shots that went flying well over the bar. However, his hard work and determination are to be admired. He’s happy to play anywhere and he did put in a good defensive display. Victor Moses did absolutely fuck all and then he gave Kurt Zouma one or two problems when he moved to Right Back after Fabregas came on. I still hate how he cannot grow hair anywhere on his head. This also annoyed me about Kante.
Michael Carrick: 7 – Helped shore up United’s midfield to see out the game.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic: 6 – A few fancy tricks and flicks but he didn’t really have time to do anything. He looked more miserable that Rashford was the centre of attention and not him.
Timothy Fosu-Mensah: 10 – Didn’t put a foot wrong.
Substitutes Not Used:
Sergio Romero, Daley Blind, Samantha Martial, Mkhitaryan, Chelsea Legend Juan Mata, some other people.
Enjoy this photo of a sad, hat deprived content.